A Noble Plan

(CL x 2)/(SAHM x 10) = Better...

2006-08-04T09:27:00.000-05:00

Last night I hosted the group of women, the SAHM's. For me hosting is a little easier, I'm more comfortable in my own environment. I also invited someone new into the group- my friend S3. S3 does not yet have children and may not have children. To me, the dynamic changed just a tad, just enough... S3 is awesome, I overheard her answering a question about her parent-status by saying "No, we don't have kids, we just have lots and lots of earth shattering sex." She cracks me up. Anyway, there is strength in numbers and 2 vs 10 was just enough to shift the balance for me into a more comfortable place.

Now, on to the good advice I'm getting in my comments- to seek out an activity or group that can give me both social opportunities and something worthwhile to do with my time... I know, I know! You're totally right. I'm just having a hard time picking something. Here are some things I've been thinking about:

1. Volunteering. Well, it is true that volunteer work has been a blessing in my life. I spent about 10 or 12 years volunteering at nursing homes, and while it was very rewarding, it was also very hard and it became too much for me emotionally. And I'm not ready to go back. Not yet. One volunteer opportunity I may look more into is something with infants. No, I'm not crazy, I just love to hold and rock the babies...

2. Golf. My husband loves golf, and I always assumed I would take it up when our children had left the nest... So since our nest is going to stay empty why not start early? Well, golf is a sport of... hot, at least this time of the year. I'm not taking it off the list, but I haven't been able to muster more than a mild interest in Golf. It is also a sport of money- Clubs, Shoes, Balls, Cute Outfits, Cart Fees, Lessons (MUCH Needed Lessons...). It all adds up. We may not be able to afford but one golfer in this family.

3. Sewing. I love sewing, but it isn't much of a group activity. I guess it could be, but I don't love dragging my machine all over creation. My group sewing experiences have generally been a bunch of sewers in a common location feverishly working on their own projects with minimal chitchat because we're all desperate to get as much done as we can before getting kicked out. And talking over the whirl of the machines isn't easy, and eye contact is near impossible... So I will continue to sew, but it doesn't help my social needs.

4. Classes at the local Arts Center. We have awesome Art Centers around here, and they offer many classes that make me drool. My problem here is that I become overwhelmed with the choices and indecision keeps me from enrolling until it is too late. I know, I know, I'll get off my ass and enroll in the next session, even if I have to pick the course I will take out of a hat.

5. Gardening. I may look into some gardening clubs in the area. Another activity of hotness, but I need some serious inspiration in my yard. An opportunity to meet people and get something done and learn. I just don't want one of those stuffy gardening clubs...

6. Book Clubs. There are some book clubs available for me to join, but I don't know if I will. I love to read, so it would seem like a no-brainer. Maybe, we'll see.

7. Tennis. But I suck, so no.

I don't know what else to add to the list. I probably shouldn't add anything, just work through these and then see what I'm left with.

Social Calculus

2006-08-03T10:42:00.000-05:00

In the beginning childfree felt like an opportunity, but I haven't taken full advantage of it. Sometimes it feels easier to just have kids instead of pursuing the opportunities, Yes, an idiotic reason to have children. There is an effort involved in swimming against the tide, it isn't all joyful and can be quite isolating. Bottom Line: I want to be childfree, but I thought it would be easier. There is strength in numbers and I'm having a hard time finding any numbers. Sometimes it feels that the tide is swimming right past me, I'm not so much swimming against it as clinging to a rock while it rushes past. I need another stream. A stream with fewer childed swimmers.

A conversation with my MIL clarified something for me: the problem isn't the moms I know, and it isn't me. It is just a difference in where we are in life. And this: when I am with a person, in all likelihood we have something in common. And if we also like each other, or if we have nothing in common but like each other, then we'll be OK. But take a roomful of people who all have one thing in common, the one same thing, and throw in one person who has one thing, one different thing, in common with each person... (Like take a room full of people who all are members of the Sherlock Holmes Society and throw in one person who is not. The one person is from the same area as one person, has the same hairdresser as another, has the same kind of pet as a third... and so on.) Bottom line is the majority common interest rules. I need to hang out in a group where the unifying thread is not CHILDREN. It is Social Calculus, I am sure that formulas could be created to predict what ratios will result in what degree of uncomfortable-ness. These moms I hang out with (the ones I keep saying I'm going to stop hanging out with... but really, I may become a complete hermit were it not for the monthly gatherings...) are all good people, they just have a different focus. I am considering turning in my notice for the gatherings. True, there isn't anything else on my dance card, but maybe bowing out of this will give me the much needed kick in the ass to seek out other (better-suited) activities.

A Mother's Love

2006-07-27T15:04:00.000-05:00

I just read A Feminist's' comment about my mother's interest in me having a child:

"one thing which struck me as something which needs to be investigated fully is your mother's insistence at your having a child. What is influencing her with this pressure? Why does she think YOU *need* children? Is it that she doesn't think you are/can be happy without them - does she know you better than you know yourself? Or does your mother have issues of her own which haven't been resolved? Is it her that needs a grandchild in all honesty? (As is the motivator for my own mother's kid-centric feelings.) I think you need to look at her behaviour more closely and find out where this is all coming from. Just an idea to consider; apologies if that's presumptuous in any way, it's not meant to be."

First of all, I do not consider it presumptuous, it is a good thought and something that I need to consider.

I have a pretty great relationship with my mother in nearly all areas. In this one area we don't always agree, but to be fair she really doesn't insist we have kids (when I quoted her as saying "You need to have kids", I left out the fact that she was grinning from ear to ear, not actually demanding that we have kids...), she just doesn't want us to take the decision lightly. She loves being a mom and she loved every single thing about raising us. She also loves being a grandmother and would of course welcome more grandchildren. She also is just as human as the rest of us and sometimes conversations with old friends can get her wondering about things. She recently talked to a very good friend after a year or two out of touch and the friend asked if there was any news from me, it probably got my mom thinking, maybe thinking about how good it would feel to say "Yes! She's due in...". I get that, I totally get that. I mean, really, it is just another version of the pressure I get sometimes from people I run into. Old high school friends that I see after years may ask if we have kids, old high school friends of my mom's will ask if she has any new grandchildren. It is just the way it is. My mom has always been supportive of my decisions, but she also sometimes asks the hard questions, just because she knows how bad it sucks to make a mistake simply because no one asked the hard questions. When she married very young no one asked any hard questions, and she did it simply because she thought it was the thing to do when your father had just passed away and your mother is grieving and your sister has moved away and had 2 babies and she just didn't want to be alone. So when I got engaged she asked "Are you certain?" enough and in enough ways to make others think that maybe she wasn't entirely on board. She was, but she didn't want a few years to pass and me to realize that I had done it for the wrong reasons. She also has seen me with kids, and she saw me grow up as one of those girls who mothered everything that came my way, living or not. You could not convince the 7 year old me that my stuffed animals and baby dolls were not alive and completely dependent on me for their care... Maybe she does know me better than I know myself.

So, to recap, Mom loves me a ton, she has had much joy in her life from us kids and wants to make sure we have thought about this a lot before we don't pursue something that has been without a doubt one of the top 2 most delightful things in her life (the other being marriage to my father, not the one she married too young and for the wrong reasons, but the one she married later for the right reasons...) Also, when I told her that we had thought about this (not having children) a lot and weren't taking it lightly she said "Fine, just wanted to make sure this wasn't a decision made out of fear or lack of finances or something like that." So I feel good about my mom's intent, what gives me trouble is the feelings that got stirred up when I was asked to think about life without children.

I guess what it boils down to is I am good with not having children- I am about 74% childfree. Sometimes though I feel lonely (like my mother did when when she got married for the wrong reasons, I would guess) because my husband has been traveling a lot, and I work from home, so there are days when I don't see anyone until my husband walks in the door at night. And when he's gone for 5 days... I get a little lonely and the 26% gets louder... And my mother's questions and my loneliness collided last week.

I have realized a few things in the interim:

1. Last week I was thinking of this question as a Pass/Fail final exam that won't be graded until I check out of this life, but this week I remembered that it is just one subpart of the Essay Question of Life, a question that I will be answering until I check out of this life.

2. I need to make an appointment with my doctor to discuss other birth control options, this pill has me cycling through 3 moods every 4 weeks and that just ain't cool. There have to be other options that can keep me a little more emotionally stable. I didn't have this trouble when I wasn't on the pill...

3. I have managed to meet someone FINALLY in the statistical freak zone of the country who has infertility in their past. She is the mother of a 10 year old and we talked a long time about what it is like to be infertile, the stupid things people say, etc. Turns out the stupid things don't always stop after you have a child-- she is still getting versions of the same questions I get.

What is Roosh Like?

2006-07-21T10:19:00.001-05:00

Does anyone else hear voices in their head? I'm sure I'm not the only one. It isn't really just a voice, it is my voice, and sometimes when my thoughts are wandering I will hear the voice clearly asking "What is Roosh like?" It is like sometimes I'm not even defined enough for myself to know who I am...

I am tiring of myself. Like when I tire of my house because of all the clutter- I am tired of the clutter in my head and I need to have a good spring/summer/fall cleaning up there.

One thing I'm looking to send to Good Will or maybe just the dump is my cynicism. It is out of control, useless. A burden. I find that the people I have the most admiration for are the least cynical, the most positive and open... For example, I do not know Karen but I adore her- I can lose myself in her blog for hours even though I've read many of the posts before. I love her photographs and I love that she takes the time to do something so beautiful. She seems so happy. It only helps my assessment of her life that she lives in the Caribbean, that her husband is such a cutie and that they seem so perfect for each other, and that their daughter, Alex, is possibly the most adorable child to ever walk the earth. But beyond all of that, she seems happy and at peace. I admire that- and while I realize that the reality of life means that there are likely days that she is cranky or uncertain or moody or cluttered in the head like me - I would imagine to a lesser degree on all counts, the self-portraits show a woman who has a peace that I am currently lacking.

Anyway, I think that I need to just do some good spring cleaning up in my head. I think that while I'm there I may uncover keys to the big questions in my life. But, like any good spring cleaning, I'm expecting to create more mess temporarily while sort through everything up there. Maybe I'll find the answer to the question "What is Roosh like?"...

Exploring Our Decision

2006-07-20T08:50:00.000-05:00

Well, I guess I'm going to start back in the beginning of our decision to not have kids- I feel a little bit like I am detangling yarn- and not for the first time- like it is yarn that I keep with me and in the beginning it was nice and neat, but over time it got tangled and so I straightened it out and now it has gotten tangled again...

When I was diagnosed with cancer my main question for my doctors was "OK, yes, cancer, but when can we start trying to get pregnant again?" Most of them looked at me like "OK, you must not have heard me--- CANCER." Eventually it sunk in and we decided to not even discuss the trying again until we had been 1 year past treatment and had gotten the 1 year test results back. We really put it out of our minds at that point-- I recovered from the surgery in time to feel like crap from the treatments, so that ate up a couple of months. And then we just knew it wasn't an option and we did other things- took trips, went to concerts... I don't know, just got on with life without thinking much about it- we finally were living in the present instead of the future, for the first time in years- maybe in our entire marriage. Every house we had lived in had a room we called the nursery, but in this house we started calling it the office instead... I don't know why or when. I remember for my birthday, about 9 months after my treatment, we were on our way home from dinner and I asked if he still wanted to have children. I half way wanted him to say "Yes, of course." so that I could put the question mark in my mind away for good, and half way wanted him to say "No." But instead he said "I will be happy either way." He seemed to be as uncertain as I was-

It was around that time that I started searching for information on the internet about life without children and came across the term Childfree and various Childfree groups. Some of it made me feel less alone, some of it was much more anti-child than I felt. I wanted to know if there was happy life without children and what I found proved there was that possibility. During this time I started testing my feeling: I would stare at babies and children in stores and pretend they were mine. How would I feel if they were mine? I felt tired imagining it. I would stare at the ads in the Sunday flyers to see if there was the familiar longing that I had felt for years, and there wasn't.

I'm not sure that DH ever had the conflicted feelings that I had. I had started to feel really excited about the possibility of a life without children, but I hadn't said anything more to DH. One night on the way to dinner I told him about the information I had found on the internet, testing the waters. He didn't say much, but he doesn't usually anyway and he didn't sound opposed to it and so I asked if he thought that might be for us. "Fine with me, if you would be happy with that- I have a hard time picturing myself as a father anyway." I couldn't believe it! He was on board! Ahhh!

At that point it was very much like a honeymoon- not just for our marriage, but our feelings about the decision to not have children were in a honeymoon phase. I 'came out' to a few select friends, I started exploring all kinds of things- the possibilities seemed endless- travel, more education, creativity, taking up golf... Who knew where this road could lead?

In hindsight, perhaps making decisions or gauging emotions in the wake of a cancer diagnosis isn't wise. Maybe I was in one of the stages of dealing with a major life event that makes people do things like climb mountains or jump out of planes. Maybe the lack of desire to have children was more just a general numbness due to all the shit we were trying to adjust to.

Defending The Decision

2006-07-19T12:13:00.000-05:00

My mom has been really good for the past year or so about not even asking about our plans, not even blinking when we say we aren't going to be parents, but today she broke her silence-- I don't remember what we were talking about, but somehow children were involved and she just blurted out "You need to have some!"

She has gone now, but I'm still thinking about it. The problem is, she had good points, points that I sometimes consider.

The truth is I don't know if we're making the right decision.
The truth is I don't know that we won't regret it.

I of course like any good CFer pointed out that there was no guarantee that I wouldn't regret it if we did have children either... She said "I've never heard of anyone regretting it!" and I answered "OH Please! Look around! There are mothers beating their children, abandoning them, treating them like crap. You think they don't regret it?" But she pointed out, and she's right, that she may know of these women, but she doesn't know them. And both of us find it highly unlikely that I would become that kind of mother...

She had me on the verge of tears when she talked about the joys she experienced raising us, reading in bed during our afternoon naps, going to the beach every summer... I was a terrible teenager, but she pointed out that we have a wonderful relationship now and I wouldn't get that (Yes, I pointed out that having children was no guarantee of a good relationship with them as adults...). Then she played her trump card: "Can you imagine what your father's life would be like without you?" He and I are very close and enjoy each other a lot... That was a hard one to consider, and had the added weight of the guilt I sometimes feel that I may be depriving my husband of something that could be so good.

She offered money for treatment, but I keep telling her that it isn't even remotely about the money, and it isn't.

At one point, I told her that if we decided to have kids we would really try to have kids, but as long as we stayed with the decision not to have kids, we weren't going to be taking any chances, reproductively speaking... (I think she had said something about leaving it in God's hands...) I just wanted her to know that we weren't going to just 'see what happens'. But she grabbed hold of the 'really try' part and said "Well, I'm glad to hear that you will REALLY TRY." I couldn't help myself, I had to point out that we had "REALLY TRIED" before, our efforts had not been half-hearted.

The truth is, conversations like this leave me a little emotionally exhausted. I know that we have made the decision not because of a lack of money or because of the taxing treatments or even because of the terrible disappointments. But I feel like I've lost my footing, and while I can still tell you factors that did not influence our decision not to have children, I have a harder time putting my finger on the factors that did influence our decision. Other than it just felt right at the time.

I have alluded to my epiphany when I was diagnosed with cancer and that it was like there was a voice and a gentle hand steering me away from motherhood and whispering in my ear "No, I have a different plan for you. Don't make me tell you again." And sometimes I use that as my crutch- it wasn't my decision, it was ordained by GOD. But was it? And even if it was, was it a permanent thing or temporary? Should I be checking in with him periodically to see if the plan has changed?

But back to the crutch- it is hard to argue with a message from God-- when I tell people that this is a decision that I was led to, that it was like a voice in my ear, I'm not lying. But I haven't heard that voice in a while, and really I usually bring it up because I can't come up with any decent reasons on my own. None that pass muster with the masses, anyway.

I asked my DH the other day "What would you say if L (a friend of his who had recently told me that he thought it was high time we expanded our family. I told him we weren't going to have children, but didn't elaborate.) asked why we weren't going to have children?" He said he would just say that we're happy as we are, just the 2 of us." Pretty simplistic answer, but doesn't hold water if you ask me. Who's to say would wouldn't be happy as 3? Or 4? Or more? I don't know why, but giving that answer makes me feel selfish, although I don't guess it should.

The truth is, after that debate with my mother, I feel the need to explore our reasons for not having children. And what it may mean for our future. (... to be continued in another post.)

A Community of Women

2006-07-13T07:06:00.000-05:00

Well, in her comment Rose really said what I've been feeling: "I find that one of the things I miss more than motherhood itself is a community of women, and motherhood seems to me (from the outside at least), an instant community."

I have really been missing this community of women, it hit me like a ton of bricks as soon as I read her comment. I don't think I realized it until now, but that is part of what I'm mourning- the belonging. And it is part of what stings when I get questions about our plans for parenthood-- I feel excluded. I know in my heart that when people ask questions upon meeting they are merely trying to find out more about me and make a little connection, but I usually end up feeling very different and excluded. When we planned on having children, I must admit that I saw this as one of the benefits- instant membership in a group of women. I've never really felt that, and the truth is I'm not positive it would have lived up to my expectations. But I still get the feeling that I don't know the secret handshake when I'm with Mothers. Well, actually the ones my age are the ones I feel out of step with, the older mothers I seem to relate to better. The Empty Nesters... (My friend S1 and I went on a tour of homes recently, and one of the realtors something along the lines of "Well, this neighborhood wouldn't be for you, it isn't great for kids and is more aimed at Empty Nesters..." I told S1 later "I think that is how I'm going to start describing myself: as an Empty Nester!" My nest isn't any less empty just because it has always been empty, right?)

Not Always Easy...

2006-07-11T16:35:00.000-05:00

I don't like admitting uncertainty out loud, but here it goes:

Most of the time I'm feeling good about being CF, but other times I'm feeling a little more Childless than Childfree... This past week I was feeling... Lonely... Which eventually led me to rethinking the parenthood question. Basically, I was at a loss as to what to do with all of my time. I have tons of time alone. I work alone, so I'm home alone while my husband is at the office. Sometimes he isn't at the office, he is on business trips, so my hours alone jump from about 50 a week to all of them a week. I do have hobbies, but many of them are also solitary hobbies. I do have friends, but they are from various places and parts of my life, and I guess pretty much all of them have kids, meaning it isn't easy for them to drop everything to hang out, or even to plan ahead to hang out. So, in a lonely mood, I started thinking about motherhood and how fulfilling it may be... and then I eventually realized that what I was looking for wasn't necessarily fulfillment- I was looking for something to fill my days so I wouldn't fill so aimless. Maybe aimless and unfulfilled are connected, but that doesn't mean I should be a mom...

Anyway, it isn't easy for me to admit that I'm not always sure about being Childfree. I also have a hard time deciding how to define myself to myself, mostly because it changes. The infertile part of me- the part that still mourns the losses- feels Childless, but the other part of me, the part that feels happy to have stumbled into a life that has given us so much feels lucky and Childfree. Some days one side is louder than the other, sometimes one side disappears altogether... This is a choice for us, a choice to not try anymore and not to adopt and a choice that is only available because of infertility. Holding onto the Childless label makes me feel a little bit like I'm not embracing life or the decision to not have kids... All in all I would rather feel Childfree than Childless, because Childfree feels happier, Childless feels a bit like a burden, but I guess I'm a bit of both. Life isn't all happy all the time anyway. I've been searching for simple concise answers to the questions in life, but few things are simple.

Clarification

2006-06-30T15:35:00.000-05:00

Donna understandably suggested in her comment to my last post that I find nicer people to hang out with, but I feel like I need clarify: the uncomfortable conversations are almost exclusively with people I'm meeting for the first time-- and I'm not willing to stop going places and meeting new people (part of our CF change includes our desire to get out in the world more), and I understand a good deal of the questions and where they come from, I would say that 99% of the time they are just trying to find out more about me, that aren't trying to be snitty... So I just want to stop reacting so defensively. I have deep friendships now that started with stupid comments or questions, and not always by the other person... I am taking Donna's advice in that I'm not spending time with the people who continue to have an issue with our CF-ness (I've drastically cut down on my time with the SAHM's I used to socialize with), but I'm going to continue to meet new people and take a chance that they either won't say the wrong thing, or that if they do that it isn't a sign that they are jerks. At least until they prove otherwise... (And I'm still not certain that I'm not just reading too much into everything...)

Also, I'm not saying I get this from everyone, or that I get all of it from one encounter...

This reminds me of a post I read over at In A Holding Pattern recently titled "How To Converse with a SAHM"... I totally agree-- I want to get to know someone, and I don't want to offend, but sometimes the words come out before I realize how it might sound... I don't know if they are SAHM's or not, so how do I ask? Is it a hot button issue for that person? Well, I don't know, because I don't know them... I'm just getting to know them... SAHM's are like a whole 'nother world to me sometimes, like when I was in college and didn't join a sorority- I knew and even roomed with sorority girls, but there still was part of their world that seemed foreign to me...

So, going back to the previous post, while there are people who can be jerks, I'm talking about the people who are just trying to get to know me-- I think I can change the encounters by simply not jumping to the defense when I'm asked about our family... I'm the one coming home pissy, so I'm the only one who is suffering... and I'm the only one who can change that...

I can think of a 100 examples of this same thing playing out in other situations: "Oh, you're from FL? I went to college there, where did you go to college?" or "Where do you go to church" or "What does your husband do?" I can think of situations in which any of those would sting or make someone uncomfortable, like when my BIL was out of work- asking what someone 'does' is such a universal question- but it put them in an uncomfortable spot...

I think meeting new people is an interesting dance- each person trying find out enough about the other to understand them a little better, perhaps to classify them, and I think definitely to connect with them. You have kids? Me too! You went to Stanford? So did my husband! You're an accountant? I work in the accounts receivable department of my company... And I can't really blame people looking at me and making an educated guess that we probably have kids: we have a minivan, we have been married plenty long enough...

Also, I think it is amazing the wide variety of emotional response by different people to the same comment. I have a friend who is TTC for the first time in her life and is over 40. If someone were to say to her "Well, you've got kids-- you parent your pets" like someone said to me recently, she would say "Well, Hell Yeah! Damn straight I'm a parent to my pets." I would say "Nope, not even close to the same thing. I'm not a parent, I'm a pet owner." So what would score point with her does the opposite with me...

More Random Stuff.

2006-06-27T08:18:00.000-05:00

I have long been feeling that I would gladly not brag about all of the wonders of a CF life if only some of the parents I encounter would shut up about what they feel I am missing. And here I mean not only the "you don't know what you're missing, it is the most important and rewarding job on earth" lines, but also the "you just wait, when you have kids you'll lose that waistline forever/you'll really know what exhaustion is/you'll be broke" lines as well. But I've decided the change might as well start with me. I'm going to smile and explain our choice in 1 to 2 short sentences (something like "While we love children, we do not plan to have any.") and then smile. And listen. If they say "Oh, but you don't know what you're missing" I'll answer "You're right, I'm sure parenthood is amazing." If they say "Don't you like children?" I'll say "Yes, I love children." If they say "You'll regret it." I'll say "Perhaps." And smile. Well, maybe I'll say "Perhaps, but it is better than having them and regretting that." Anyway, I'm going to try to just stay on the positive, show the positive instead of talking about it.

Anyway, onward to other things:

I saw a blog recently that listed songs that had made a difference to the blogger (I thought it was Donna, but I couldn't find it just now...) and I thought I would do the same:

1. Feelin' Good performed by Nina Simone: This song makes my day, every day. I play in while I make my coffee and I try to meditate on the message- the promise of a new day, a celebration of freedom, the joy that can be found in the things around us... (BTW, when searching for the lyrics link, I found that the Pussycat Dolls have recorded this as well. Ugh. Nothing against them, I just wish they would stick with their usual stuff and leave songs this beautiful alone.)
2. Boats to Build by Guy Clark: This is the song that inspired me to start this blog and to really embrace life without children, it became my anthem for getting on with life. "Days, precious days, roll in and out like waves. I got boards to bend, I got planks to nail, I got charts to make, I got seas to sail." Like that great line from The Shawshank Redemption- "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (Again, this song has also been recorded by others, including Jimmy Buffet, whom I normally like as long as I'm halfway into a pitcher of margaritas or laying in a hammock at the lake, but to me his version of this song doesn't have the resonance of the Guy Clark's original recording.)

OK, that is it for now, because I really need to get back to work, but will try to continue the list in future posts. BTW, I did order I Will Bear This Scar and will post my thoughts on it when it comes.

Pregnancy News... (and no, it is not us)

2006-06-26T20:07:00.000-05:00

Just last night I was thinking of what to do with the pregnancy & parenthood books that I have no reason to hang on to. Most of my friends are far enough into motherhood to not need "What to Expect When You're Expecting" or "Dr. Spock's Guide to Baby and Childcare". They are taking up valuable bookshelf real estate. Then tonight my cousin called to tell me his wife is pregnant. I considered for a minute packing them up and dropping them in the mail tomorrow, but I think she probably has gone out and bought every one of them (if I'm going to give them away I feel like I should probably give them to someone who can't buy every single thing their little heart desires...). Also, I wonder how a 10 week pregnant woman would feel about being the recipient of pregnancy/parenthood books from an infertile miscarrier-- would it be seen as a bad omen? Would she feel jinxed? (I don't think they would be a jinx, when I passed on my leftover IVF supplies the woman ended up with triplets.)

I asked all the questions you're supposed to ask- he told me that the doctor had told them that they have less than a 3% chance of miscarriage at this point and he said it with such a sneer in his voice. I didn't say "HA!" or anything like that, I think I said "That's wonderful!" but I was thinking "Ah, how naive." I know he thinks nothing can touch them, and I pray to God he's right.

He said his wife is taking advantage of the pregnancy, laying on the couch watching TV after work, asking him to get her a glass of water. I told him he should consider that he has no idea what it feels like to be pregnant and that it can be very draining. "I know," I told him, "I've been pregnant, it isn't always easy. Take care of her for a little while." They've been married about a year, and when I was at his wedding he joked that she was already talking about children and he was determined to wait several years (guess she won that one!) but tonight on the phone he pointed out that they weren't getting any younger (still both under 30...) and if they were going to have children they really needed to do it now, before it was too late... After all, he didn't want to be changing diapers when he was 50. Yes, he said that. (How long does he think that phase will last?) I do love my cousin, but he can be a dope sometimes...

Tonight I'm feeling hopeful for them, and I see such optimism in this news- I choose to see optimism. He comes from a not so great childhood and I think choosing marriage and parenthood after all that he has seen is a great leap of faith. Or defiance. Or denial. I hope that they are ready, that they won't recreate the pain of his childhood. Once again I feel no pang of jealousy, and I love the freedom from this emotion that I have had since making the CF decision.

I don't think I'll send them my books, I think I'll give them to a local charity that can put them to good use... I already passed on all of my Baby Name books, now it is time to clear out all the rest.

Childfree In the News...

2006-06-19T19:47:00.000-05:00

So, there is CF news everywhere! First of all, Dear Prudence answered a question from a engaged childfree woman who was asking how to handle the questions. Truthfully, her answer didn't bother me that much. Really the only problem was advising the writer to allow that with a big change like marriage she may change her mind. And since she wrote to an advice column, advice should be expected. True, it wasn't the advice she asked for, but advice columnists tend to advise as they see fit... However, Dear Prudence (Emily Yoffe) received a ton of angry responses from CFer's and so she published this response to the CF response & it did bother me... First of all, when I opened the article, the title that my web page displays on the tab is "Why Childless People Hate Me. By Emily Yoffe". Then- she does the whole "I understand, I was once young and stupid, too, but I matured and realized what a dope I was and had a baby, please learn from my situation..." thing. She also gets on the responders for telling others of the benefits of a CF life, but to me it isn't any different than what she was doing to the original advice-seeker... And if someone is happy with a life choice, how can they hide it? Should they go around saying "Bah! This life I have chosen is CRAP! Pure CRAP, I tell you! Ignore this giant smile on my face! CRAP!" She asks why there is so much scorn for parenthood, but I can assure her that the scorn she speaks of is hardly a one way street. She offers herself as proof that children don't have to ruin a marriage, making me want to offer myself as proof that you don't have to have children to have a happy marriage. But why? Are we taking a survey and whichever side has more happy people wins? Well, if so, there are plenty of studies that tackle that very question.

I don't dread (or desire) a life with children, but I no longer dread a life without them. I guess my main problem with her response is that it is precisely the kind of attitude that made me an even more miserable infertile. I would hear things like that when we were trying and I would think that parenthood was my only chance at happiness, which just isn't the case. I just don't see where that kind of attitude leaves room for those who can't have children. Or those who choose not too. I just think we all ought to have room to make this choice without being lectured.

This has also been popping up a lot on the childfree sites as well, and what bugs me here is that the whole selfish/selfless argument-- all parents are selfless, all non-parents are selfish...

I have also come across a few books I'm interested in checking out: Baby Proof by Emily Giffen is one. I can't remember reading any of her other books, and I must admit that it doesn't seem like the type of fiction I would normally be drawn to. Maybe I just want to read it to see if the main character, a woman who does not want children, caves in when her husband changes his mind and decides he does want children. I don't think I'll buy it, but hopefully my library will have it. I just sincerely hope that it doesn't turn out to be the whole "career was first but now I see the error of my ways and know that motherhood is the only way to feel truly fulfilled" ending.

Another book that I am interested in is I Will Bear This Scar : Poems of Childless Women . At first I thought it might be too much a infertile/barren thing (which is fine, but not what I'm looking for) but after reading a few pages I saw things I could relate to. I wanted it to be not just about the pain of infertility/miscarriage/loss, but also about the rest- living without children. The poem "Apples and Oranges" by Lauri Rose was just what I was looking for to show me that the collection is worth looking into. This one I very well may buy. I'm not a lover of just any poetry collection, but this one seems to be one that may express things I feel but cannot quite put into words myself. (Speaking of poetry collections, my favorite of all time has to be Good Poems selected and introduced by Garrison Keiller.)

What to Say?

2006-06-14T11:01:00.000-05:00

I have had 2 more interesting little conversations at a party recently. First, talking to a young mother (mother of a 21 month old, step-mother of 2 under the age of 6) I had just met, and 2 mothers I knew, we were discussing children and behavior and discipline. I contributed somewhat, but then said "Of course, I don't have children, so feel free to disregard that..." and the one I had just met said "Oh, you don't have children?" "No." "Do you want them?" "No, we don't." End of that! She smiled and said something along the lines of "Good for you." She obviously had no problem with it and I found this to be very nice, we were having a conversation, she didn't make any assumptions, she asked nicely... All good.

Later, same party- a slightly older couple (and by this I mean mid-forties to mid-fifties, so merely older than us, not OLD...) approached, we chatted. Third question out of her mouth to me "How many children do you have?" (she loses points already for making the assumption that we have kids...) "None." So she follows with "Oh! Newlyweds!" "No, we've been married nearly 10 years." "OH." (and here is where she got that compassionate gaze...) "Well, we had been married 9 years before we were able to have children, too. In fact, it was applying for adoption that finally got us relaxed enough to get pregnant with our own. The same day they called about processing our adoption application I found out I was pregnant with our first, and I was pregnant with our second four months after the first was born. So don't worry, it can happen!"

I said "We actually don't plan to have children." But she gave me that look- that look of disbelief and a little bit of disgust, and here is where I failed myself. . I backpeddled a little. "We did initially, and we did our share of trying and infertility treatments, but we've changed our minds now and don't plan to have children."

"Well," she said, "that is when it will happen, now that you're not trying so hard."

At which point I felt it necessary to share our contraceptive measures. Rather embarrassing for all involved.

Now, on her part, she made several errors: 1) she assumed we had kids. 2) then she assumed we were newlyweds, despite the fact that not long ago she was also married 9 years with no children. 3) she then assumed we were trying to have kids, and never bothered to ask... 4) she broke the cardinal rule of infertiles everywhere: she told me to relax. She credited the adoption application with her pregnancy (yeah, right, the paperwork knocked you up, your husband had nothing to do with it.) 5) she looked disgusted at our choice. 6) she still pushed the motherhood thing, which made me feel like explaining that we hadn't merely stopped testing for pregnancy every few days, but that we were actually doing all in our power to prevent any pregnancy.

But I made tactical errors as well. I should have simply said as soon as she launched into the "Oh, it will happen, don't give up..." thing "No, we don't plan to have children, we are a family of two and intend to stay that way." Or something like that. There is no need to defend my CF-ness with our past infertility, it shouldn't even have to come up. Sure, it is part of my past, and as such it will eventually come up with friends, something I can share eventually, but this woman has no need to have that information. If she thinks less of me because we don't plan to have children, and doesn't even wait to get to know me to decide what kind of person I am, then she doesn't deserve the extra info anyway!

So, my new plan is to answer questions simply and directly, offer no extra information until there is a relationship. It isn't my problem if they don't feel comfortable. If they ask "Do you have children" I will answer "No." or "No, we do not plan to have children."

1 Year Later...

2006-05-25T15:36:00.000-05:00

So, it has been almost a year since I started this blog, so I read back through some of my posts and all of my comments (yes, that is right, I read all 7 comments- because I am dedicated!) and decided to give a little update:

1. In my first post I said "I totally get the TTC bloggers, I read them compulsively." Well, not so much anymore. I don't read them much at all. There are 2 I check in on because these girls crack me up and I feel like I know them and want to find out what is going on with them, but if that were not the case, the news of beta's and DTC's wouldn't keep me coming back (I read one TTC and one adoption blog...) I guess I still get them, but there is a TON of support out there in the infertility/TTC/adoption world- certainly my chiming in with 'Yes, I also had a beta of 76 2 weeks after a 5 day transfer' just doesn't amount to a drop in a bucket in infertility world. And I'm not in that world anyway, I'm in Childfree World, so I'm posting my comments there. When I'm not out enjoying my freedom, squandering my money and being a greedy, materialistic, uncaring heathen. My sister, also a IF veteran, told me when we were TTC not to worry, that when you get the baby you forget the pain and struggle of the IF- she said it doesn't go away completely, but it collapses into a much smaller, more manageable little package, one that is easily tucked away and not something that continues to dominate your life. Well, CF did that same thing for me. I didn't completely forget what TTC was like, not anymore than I have forgotten how much high school sucked, but it is so small now that it is a memory, just part of what has happened in my life.

2. At the beginning of the year I posted about my resolution to slow down and stop trying to do 10 things at once. It was touch and go for a while, but it gets easier all the time, and I do find that I do a better job when I'm not doing 10 things at once, and that I feel less stressed and that no worlds have ended if things have to be put off sometimes in order for me to stay sane. (A funny aside: I mentioned my plan to a friend who is a mother of 3- all under the age of 5- and told her what I had read about the benefits, etc. ... She just looked at me and said "That is Bullshit. If I didn't do 10 things at once I would never be able to wash my hair or feed my children." OK, so that made me laugh out loud. Just makes for a happier CF me...) Anyway, I'm happier, less stressed, and am actually finishing more things. I don't even think that I'm starting less things... I have learned to delegate (which is tough when you a lone contract worker...), both at work and at home. Some things I have hired others to do like yard work, and that frees up more than enough time for me to put in the extra hours to pay for it. And I'm enjoying my free time more because I don't feel like there are 10 unfinished projects calling me back home or to work.

3. Our families are generally supportive of our CF decision- I think it is hard for them to argue with us when they can see how happy we are, and I do mean happier than before. Not a lot of grief there for the time being. But we are spending much time over the next month with both sides, so we'll see if I need to retract this...

4. Our new niece is as cute as pie. I like her a lot, and DH likes her, too, but doesn't quite 'get' babies like he 'gets' kids... And we're like 5 months in with not a single trace of regret when we see the little pumpkin, and quite a sigh of relief when we can so easily walk out the door. She is a very good baby, and I enjoy her when I'm with her, but when I look at them I see the YEARS and YEARS ahead of them, something I hadn't really considered when we were planning to have children.

Be Fruitful (or What's God Got to Do With It?)

2006-05-09T18:19:00.000-05:00

After we had already made the CF decision the "Be Fruitful and Multiply" thing really threw me. I got very defensive, thinking that maybe our choice would be seen as in direct defiance of "God's will", mainly because people would sometimes point out that being childless by choice was in direct defiance of God's will. Infertility, of course made it hard of us to multiply, so if it was God's will the we multiply, perhaps he should have pulled a few strings with our reproductive systems, but, truth be told, we are choosing to be childfree, infertility just gave the opportunity to make the decision more than once- and ultimately to reverse our original decision. Anyway, I feel a little defensive about churches and the church folk and how they feel about our choice, and that keeps me out of church almost completely (well, that and the fact that churches usually give me the creeps and I love being lazy on Sundays with my husband, sleeping in, reading the paper). And I wondered quite a bit about what God intended by this verse that kept getting tossed our way, and how he could urge us to have kids while so many of us have spent years just frustrated to death in an effort to do just that. I don't know if I really feel very religious, or that I believe in every word in the Bible. But I think there is wisdom in there. And I do have a spiritual life that involves some higher power or something. I think what bothered me about the scripture (I am speaking here of Genesis 9:1: Then God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth.") is that if my choice to not have children truly was against God's will, it divided me from that God. And that bothered me some. My faith is pretty loose, I don't really buy a lot of the Christian stuff and I do feel that my decision has "God's" stamp of approval and that God doesn't intend for us all to follow the exact same path- but living where I do I would have loved to have a nice answer straight from The Book whenever some self-righteous Christian started berating us for turning our back on the will of God... And then I got it!

I was in church a few weeks ago, a fairly rare thing for me. The sermon included something I had never heard before, but it had to do with fruit, so I immediately perked up, as this topic had been on my mind for quite some time. It was about the Fruits of the Spirit- we were in a Methodist church, so I looked to my Methodist husband with the "What the heck is he talking about?" look, but he gave me the "I have no idea!" look back. Anyway, I found out from the sermon that there are 9 Fruits of the Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control. The service was a confirmation service, and the confirmants were told to "Go forth and spread the fruit of the spirit", in essence, they were being told to be fruitful in a way we all could -and should- be fruitful. I left the service feeling that one of the barriers to my relationship with the Higher Power was gone (and that I had my answer should any smart-ass believers come judging)- Being Fruitful can mean many things. Even the 'fill the earth' - or the more often quoted "multiply" - could mean many things. I see it for my life as multiplying the faith-- not necessarily Christianity, but the fruits-- the love, the joy, the peace... *

So I now have an answer for myself and anyone else who cares to ask: I can be fruitful in the fruit of the spirit. I can multiply by being kind and letting my kindness help others feel kind. I just don't believe we are all meant to produce children and I don't believe that is what the verse intends. So if I'm faced with someone who questions our decision in relation to our faith, I have an answer now. I am fruitful. (OK, so even when considering only the fruits of the spirit, of fruit-producing beings I'm not much of a producer, what with my grumpiness and foul language etc, ...)

I guess if I were more of a Christian, this would have been an issue in our decision to become CF, but it wasn't. We never thought about it until the decision had been made, and we made the decision because it felt good, it was what we wanted, it was what made us happy. And I felt that we were being encouraged by God or HP. It was only later when people started quoting scripture that I thought twice, and then it was mainly "What kind of jerk would lead us to a path only so he could condemn us for taking it? That sucks!"

*Little tangent here: I think that some of these judgmental Christians would benefit greatly from meditating on the different ways to be fruitful- and maybe consider that judgment and shame can do more harm than good when trying to spread the faith-- if indeed we are intended to multiply for God, they may consider that multiplying by having children but dividing by alienating others from God might put them below quota in the afterlife...

Yikes!

2006-04-29T08:42:00.000-05:00

Wow, my friends do sound like assholes! I do wish I knew more people who didn't have kids, but so far the only ones we know are currently in the midst of TTC...

I failed to write in the last post about my AWESOME friends who are so cool and supportive and fun that I don't feel worthy of their attention....

Like my gooooooood friend S, who made me homemade cookies after I got all weepy on the phone with her (same day as my PMS post...), and who took me shopping and made me try on things I would never try on, resulting in a large VISA bill this month but some very sexy things to wear!

She is also one of the best and coolest moms I know, as is her sister, S2, who is also one of the best friends I have. I love their kids, and we do spend a lot of time with the kids, but it is never all kids, all the time--- we have adult conversations, they get babysitters and we go out for drinks, dinner, spa treatments. So, yes, some of my friends are a little sucky, (I really think they're just insecure, so they question me, because I'm doing it differently) but I have some REALLY AMAZING friends, as well.

I had a t-shirt when I was a baby (actually, it was my brother's first...) that had a big smiley face on the front and said "Good Water is Good Good Good Good Good" and on the back it said "Bad Water is Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad" I think I need a t-shirt that says "Good friends are Good Good Good Good Good!" I'll leave anything about Bad Friends off because they aren't worth mentioning anyway...

Judgement Calls

2006-04-27T15:15:00.000-05:00

So, while talking to a neighbor recently about us possibly moving to house that suits us better as a family of 2, she said "Ohhhhh. So you decided against adoption."

I don't know her very well, and certainly had never told her we were considering adoption, because, well... we weren't. Ever. But I guess she got there? Why? Because we don't have children, which means something must be wrong, which means we must be considering adoption? Just for the record: we did not decide against adoption. We decided against parenthood. Which eliminated adoption. And pregnancy/childbirth.

Another one: All the moms that I hang out with (which sometimes lately is getting to be exhausting...) aren't happy with me right now. They understand we don't have kids, and I think some of them may understand why. What they do not seem to understand is why we're insisting on doing things that they aren't doing. Like spending the college fund we had started for our hypothetical kids on things that we enjoy. They can't do that, why can we? Or why we would want to move somewhere that isn't suitable for kids. Or why we would want cars that car seats can't fit in. Or why we sleep till 10 (gasp! yes, 10!) on a Sunday. How could we do those things??? They just can't relate! Well, guess what: there are a lot of things that you do, as parents, that we just can't relate to! You sign your kids up for 3 extra-ciricular activities each, requiring you to spend 22 hours a week driving them to and from practices and recitals? I cannnot relate. But guess what? I don't have to. Stop looking at me like I'm speaking a foreign language when ask what we're up to and I say "Golf. Shopping. Going on trips. Being lazy." And I won't look at you like you're crazy when I ask you the same and you say "Little league. Changing diapers. Getting all 6 family members over the stomach flu. Planning a birthday party for our 1 year old for 200 of our closest friends, complete with a rented elephant, an inflatible ski slope and a permit to close two streets in our neighborhood for 5 hours."

PMS Changes Everything

2006-04-27T14:00:00.000-05:00

So, I'm PMS'ing. I dare anyone to try to tell me that PMS is a figment of my imagination. When I'm PMSing things that normally don't matter can make me cry... I scream at my boss for little reason. Well, there is always a reason to yell at my boss, but 3 out of 4 weeks, I don't feel the desire to yell, I just keep on working and leave him alone. But for 2 days out of the 4th week, I will yell about his general shitiness as a manager, remind him of all of the things he has failed to do, things I need him to do so that I can do what I need to do...

And I am going to a Mother-Daughter banquet with my sister, my neice, and my mother... Which wasn't a problem, until I started PMS'ing and realized that it will on be Mother's Day weekend... Fortunately, I will not be PMS'ing then, so hopefully I won't be freaked out like I was today when I realized what I was getting into... My sister helped tons by pointing out that I wouldn't be the only non-mother there, there were also going to be all the daughters, like my neice. Who is 12. She also thought it would help to point out that there would be lots of grandmothers and children of all ages. OK, so that is cool, I can handle it. I just really hope it isn't Mom-Centric (who am I kidding? It is Mother's Day weekend. It is the 'Mother-Daughter Banquet.' When my husband heard the message from my sister inviting me, he didn't know she had also asked our mom, so he said "And who will you be going as? Your sister's daughter or your neice's mom?" I understand where he's coming from, when I got the invitation I felt like reminding her that I wasn't qualified.) I just don't want it to be all sappy and about the gloriousness of motherhood. I love my mom and totally want to honor her. I'm cool with being a daughter. Just not with the mom thing. If it were today I wouldn't be too cool with it.

Some board friends say they like to think of Mother's Day as a celebration for all women, that we all mother in one way or another. I don't feel that way- I am not a mother. And when people say "Happy Mother's Day" to me I want to snap their necks. It makes me totally understand why Jewish folks wouldn't want to hear "Merry Christmas" every time they turn around in December, and why I am completely on board with "Happy Holidays". These campaigns to make everyone say "Merry Christmas" make me crazy! Back off! Stop forcing your beliefs on everyone else.

My FIL happens to be one of those who thinks all women are mothers. Last M'sD he insisted on telling me Happy M'sD like 10 times, and I kept saying "You do realize that I'm not a mother, right?" It just pissed me off. (For the record, I'm also against anything that minimizes someone's accomplishments in an effort not to hurt others feelings- some schools no longer publish an honor roll, because it stigmatizes those who didn't make it... well, you know what? Study harder.) It pisses me off because I think it is a crock to call me a mother, and because he will not get off my ass about giving him some grandkids. Which makes me love being CF even more. Screw him.

Since I started this post I've been through at least 3 distinct emotional phases: weepy, indignant, PISSED OFF. Yes, PMS does indeed change everything. Over and over and over.

Enjoy it While You Can... And Other Stuff.

2006-03-30T17:10:00.000-05:00

"Enjoy it while you can." This is one of the more common things that people say to us when we tell them we don't have children. It is really beginning to bug me! For one, it implies that they aren't entirely happy with the choice they have made. Also, it assumes that there is going to be a point when our state of having no children will come to an end. When we were trying to conceive, this was hurtful- it made it sound like we just weren't appreciating the fact that we were infertile, and if the tables were turned they would be smart enough to really take advantage of shriveled ovaries or a low sperm count... Now that we're not trying, I resent when people don't bother to check if we even want children, they just assume, naturally, that we will be having children. Hence the "Enjoy it while you can." I guess I just think it is lazy (in that it is easier than actually asking...) and egotistical (in that they can't imagine someone choosing differently than they did).

This excerpt from Daddy Dilemma, ( from "Maybe Baby: 28 Writers Tell the Truth About Skepticism, Infertility, Baby Lust, Childlessness, Ambivalence, and How They Made the Biggest Decision of Their Lives," edited by Lori Leibovich) is very interesting! The excerpt is at Salon, so if you aren't a member you will probably have to watch a short add to read the entire thing, but if the question of having children is of any interest to you, I think it is well worth it.

Among the things I found interesting:

"If she and my father have raised me right, the idea of starting a family should be an attractive option." Well, I think this is interesting because it touches on a sore spot for me: the assumption some people make that if you don't want kids it must be because you're screwed up somehow, or had a crappy childhood or have a history of abuse. Well, got news for ya: you are going to find people who fit that description that are parents and that aren't, that are great parents and that are crappy parents. And completely well-adjusted and trauma-free adults who have decided not to have children...

He goes on to discuss that he is the last male in the family line, which is exactly what my DH is, the last one with our particular last name in his direct family chain. This is something the author considers, so it makes me wonder if it is something that my DH considers as well, or worse, something that will lead to regret...

And later: "Besides all the good press, it's a big life experience, arguably the biggest. You don't go to DisneyWorld without riding Space Mountain, right?" What I find interesting here is partly "all the good press" part--- I wholeheartedly agree- there is a LOT OF GOOD PRESS for parenthood- in billboards proclaiming it to be the most important job in the world, friends and family asking with an encouraging smile when the babies are coming... There is a lot of good press out there, and I for one think that it has its place. I consider it to be propaganda to some degree- but necessary propaganda... and a double-edged sword. One the one hand, it may encourage some mothers to take the job a little more seriously, to not be cavalier in their child-raising decisions. On the other hand, I can see how a young girl (or even not young) who is feeling empty and searching for something that means something could see this as the answer to all of her problems (mistakenly, I believe)- "My life is empty, but if I get pregnant and have a baby, I will have THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD. I will be important and doted on, and get lots of attention...", she may think. Well, anyway, the press is out there, regardless. The other part that strikes me is the whole "Big Life Experience" thing, because it has crossed my mind as well. But then I think that, well, we can't all experience everything in this life. And running to get in line for a ride because everyone else seems to be in that line is a stupid reason to get in the line...

And this: "Would a child make me see what's really important?" I have heard sooooo many people say "A child changes your life..." or "I was a self-absorbed asshole until I became a father", etc. but I think that is bullshit, and I think that there are multitudes of crappy parents out there who still think having another drink is more important than doing an iota of parenting. Becoming a parent may refocus you, but I don't believe it automatically makes you a good person. And anyone who argues differently hasn't turned on the news lately. Good people become parents, bad people become parents, but parenthood doesn't just flip the switch... (and I'd like to point out that the author of this article doesn't say that it does, it is just another thing that he considers in the whole baby question... And something that I have considered as well.) I do believe that becoming a parent is like nothing else, it can 'change' you because you are taking on a new role. But I resent when people imply that it somehow automatically elevates parents to a moral or emotional level that non-parents cannot ever achieve.

I love this: "Despite the social pressure to procreate, studies show that people with children are exactly as happy as people without children. Happiness comes in many varieties." Indeed, happiness does come in many varieties. I want to get this tattooed on my breast, right beside my heart. Not just to remind others (ok, so I would have to get it somewhere else, my breast doesn't make many public appearances... But I could jerk open my shirt whenever I felt someone needed to be reminded...) but to remind myself. When we were TTC and so miserable, I thought the only way to find my way back to happiness would be motherhood. And that just isn't so.

He continues to make some good observations about how our decisions can make others defensive about their decisions, and how our choices can make others feel resentful when they do not have a choice in the matter... something I have thought about a lot, have tried to articulate in some blog drafts, may eventually get to make enough sense to post...

In another article about the Parenting Decision is The Flip Flop . It is a short article, and I choose to think of it as her personal story and nothing more, the story of how she and her husband went from being Childfree to being parents. But near the end of her article I have a hard time overlooking this: "My larger point is this: We almost made a huge mistake. " and then later a cautionary tale of friends who went the other way: "What if we'd been the husband and wife in my cautionary tale, a true one, about a childless couple who stuck to their guns? They spearheaded a support group called Nonparents Anonymous and were quoted in the Globe decades ago describing the freedom, the spontaneity, the money saved, the creativity nurtured, blah blah blah. Today, I know through mutual friends, they are divorced. But not just divorced; divorced and furious. She claims he ruined her life with his non-parent nonsense. He says it's her own damn fault. She left town, post-menopausal, never to be heard from again. He's single, eligible, and searching for a wife of childbearing age." This is how her article ends, with their angry, furious divorce, and utter misery and blaming; her leaving town "post-menopausal" and with no chance, him searching for someone to bear the children he spent decades not wanting. As if it is because they didn't have children that they are divorced and miserable. As if the writer, Elinor Lipman, and her husband were destined for a miserable divorce and furiousness had they not 'flip-flopped' and had their son. As if children keep marriages together, or should. I understand the impulse to compare/contrast our lives with those of others to bolster a decision we have made, but I hope we all realize that it isn't that easy, a true scientist would scoff at these pathetic samples and ridiculous cause and effect conclusions we come to!

Dreams

2006-03-15T10:30:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a dream that DH and I were driving down the road - I was actually driving - and we approached a huge bridge, but the bridge dipped down, and there was water covering it from start to finish. Deep water. I couldn't stop, we hit it straight on, then hydro-planed to the left, all the way across about 8 lanes, into the side rail. Other cars were behind us and I waited to see them do the same thing, waited for what was sure to be a major disaster as more cars sped toward the bridge, but, except for one or 2, they all sailed through it as if it weren't there. Eventually, we managed to push our way across, and collapsed at a nearby hotel. DH woke me the next morning (still in the dream...) and announced that he had been wrong. He wanted kids after all. He would settle for one, but was no longer interested in 'none'. I was distraught.
"What if I'm still infertile?" I asked.
"We'll see a doctor."
"What if it doesn't help, it didn't before...".
"We'll go back until it does."
"What about my health, the cancer, the treatments?"
"This is more important."
I wanted to come up with one good deal-breaker, one thing that could change his mind for good, something that he couldn't argue with because I didn't want it to be just me that kept him from getting what he wanted, and it occurred to me in my dream that he may have to find someone else to have a family with, that I now had a choice- have kids and keep him or don't have kids and be alone forever. Between my reluctance and my infertility, I realized I was unable to give him children and happiness. Even if my infertility was magically cured, I couldn't pretend to be happy about parenthood, and that would ruin it for him.
In my dream I went to take a bath, but I couldn't get the water to stop draining unless I left the water running- leaving the choice of No Water or Too Much Water.

I was panicked, I woke up panicked, I couldn't tell what was real, what wasn't. DH assured me he hadn't changed his mind, but I couldn't shake the feeling of dread I had- I knew I didn't want children anymore, but I certainly didn't want to lose DH, and I didn't want to keep him from having something he wanted. Eventually my mind cleared, I was happy to realize it was just a dream, but intrigued by the whole Bridge/Water dream imagery. Bridges and water have long figured into my dreams, and from what I've read the dreams of many others. I cherish my bridge/water dreams. Even the ones that leave me panicked. They have been linked to many major issues in my life. To me they usually signify the eventual resolution of an issue, like a ritual blessing or something. And I know that his responses to my questions in the dream are only my biggest fears, not his true feelings...

This dream did show me 2 things: DH's reaction to the dream proves to me that he is not feeling any regret. And my reaction in the dream is in line with my real-life reaction, I do not want children.

In other news...
I stumbled on This Article yesterday and found it very interesting. An unexpected layer of guilt...

Updates...

2006-03-06T12:55:00.000-05:00

So, a while back I posted about trying to stop my obsessive multitasking ways, and I must say, I haven't been entirely multitasking-free...

But today I stumbled across this and it confirms that multitasking is not the way to go- it eats up my time, it compromises my work, and it screws with my head. So, once again, I am going to try to quit... Except I really want to continue listening to music while I work. And while I exercise. But I need to learn to have some quiet meditation time with no music, no distractions. The perfect me, the one who lives in my head, is really good at this, but the real me just puts it off, day after day...

Hmmmmm, the niece thing is going fine. And, as a bonus, it has proven to us both that we're on the right track. We just don't want kids. We used to want kids, we didn't have kids, things happened, and we completely changed our minds. We are in talks regarding permanent birth control options... Except for a brief flirtation with condoms, I have done all of the birth controlling since day one, and I'm looking forward to some other options. Not that it is difficult to take one more pill a day than I would anyway, but I am a little uncomfortable with the possible long-term health consequences. Discussing the birth control options with a group of friends, all of whom are mom's, was a little weird: one said sweetly "Well, you have plenty of time to decide since you don't have kids yet." and another, not so sweetly said "Don't be ridiculous, your husband cannot have a vasectomy, you don't even have children." Which totally made me think: When we were actually planning to have children, no one said "Are you sure? Are you really really sure?" Why is that? I mean, really, having children is a pretty big deal, I would even argue that it is considerably a bigger deal than not having children... Yes, yes, there is that whole potential regret thing, realizing when we're old and alone that we have no children,no chance at grandchildren. But nothing like the seriousness of having kids, raising kids, really being a parent. Some people who question our decision not to have kids either they do it in a way that sucks or they just aren't close enough to be questioning my decisions like that- I pretty much want to tell them to mind their own f'ing business. But some people do it right- they do it privately, not putting me on the spot in front of a crowd, they ask questions instead of just judging, they listen.

Wow, I basically suck as a blogger. This is like my 10th post in 10 months? That is pathetic.

2006-02-09T10:16:00.000-05:00

So, our niece arrived a while back. I haven't written anything about it because I really just wanted to get a handle on how I feel about it. I mean, there is a lot at play here. This is the first grandchild in DH's family, and while I never cared if we had the FIRST, I did think we would also be bringing a grandchild to the family. And, well, there is all of that baby stuff that I swooned over for years in the Sunday flyers that is now everywhere, but for someone else's baby... I used to have a real reaction to that kind of thing.

Anyway, I wasn't sure how I would react, but I pretty much feel nothing aside from Auntly Pride. I mean, this baby is cute! And sweet, and well-tempered. I hold her and I don't feel an ache, I wade through the baby accessories that surround her and I don't covet them... I don't have any jealousy for the new family.

Which is just weird. I expected to have SOME kind of reaction, some twinge of all that we had hoped for... I'm happy not to be miserable, but it stuns me. What happened to all of my longing? Maybe I'm in denial? Maybe I never really wanted it anyway? (I know I wanted it, who goes through all of that without wanting it.) Maybe I've really moved on? Maybe it is still too early, maybe as the years pass I'll feel the ache? Hmmmm. I'm curious to see what will happen.

2006-01-30T10:31:00.000-05:00

I have decided to stop doing more than one or 2 things at a time. I have become one of those people who watches tv while listening to the radio while surfing the net while making notes for a work project while talking to someone on the phone while something is cooking on the stove. The other day I was shopping while having a conference call with my boss. He didn't mind, and I made notes on my grocery list when needed. But really, that is just stupid. Why do I feel the need to do more than one thing at a time.

At night while watching TV, I find myself reading, flipping through magazines, knitting. And my DH lays there, simply watching the show. And occassionally falling asleep. It looks so relaxing, so much more enjoyable than what I'm doing. I need to make myself stop.

I, like many others who multitask, intended it to be a way of finding more free time, but once I started functioning at that speed, it was hard to turn off... When I cook, I read. And sometimes exercise, doing lunges and such in the kitchen while waiting for something to boil or simmer or a buzzer to ding. Really, what started as a way to use my time more efficiently has resulted in me not paying full attention to anything. While I work, I plot dinner and chores. While I try to fall asleep, I plot my next work day. So it isn't just physical multitasking; mentally I am always in several trains of thought at once. Yes, things get missed. Yes, few things get my full attention, some of which decidedly deserve it. And I just always feel wound up. And I feel more and more the need to meditate, clear the slate.

So I am going to try to do that now, get back to doing one or 2 things at a time. See if it makes things better or worse. It isn't like people are always on me to finish things faster. Well, some people are, but they aren't the people who pay my bills, so they don't get a vote.

How Long...

2005-12-05T17:48:00.000-05:00

In the comments of my last post, Donna asked how long it took for me stop feeling like a childless mother. I really don't know and I don't know what it was that got me there. Except I was tired of being tired and sad. Tired of wanting. I saw the days passing by me, and I didn't want to look back and see them all spent wishing for what I didn't have.

If I had a baby girl, I would want her to grow up to be happy, and if she couldn't have the life that she desired or planned, I would want her to find happiness anyway. Why should we want any less for ourselves? (I think that we may all occasionally need to remind ourselves that happiness does not do disservice to our pain. Being happy doesn't mean that we didn't hurt enough, that the failure didn't matter. More important than doing justice to our pain and our failures is doing justice to our lives. Has infertility not taught us how precious life is? Not being able to produce a life when we try so hard is terrible, but squandering a life that is already here it worse.)

Donna also posted about Aeon Flux, and how infertility is involved in the story. I haven't seen that movie, but I whenever I see a copy of The Handmaid's Tale, I think about what my life would be like if I lived in that book. I would not be a very good handmaid, I would probably be sent to work in the radiation fields or the brothels... It depressed me. The book is pretty depressing, to think that our culture could become so twisted, to think that ANY woman would be valued only for her ability to reproduce, and knowing that in the book, the one thing that seems to matter is among the things that I am unable to do makes me feel a little empty and without value. I don't like knowing that it is the one test (in the book) that matters and I am certain to fail it, that I would basically have no value.

BUT I do not live in that book, I live here, now, and in my culture, my marriage, my family, my life, this is not the one test that matters.

My Life Aquatic (as in everchanging, ebbing and flowing...)

2005-12-05T12:21:00.000-05:00

Anyone seen The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou? There is a scene where the pregnant journalist says "I need to find a baby for this father". She's a little freaked out about being attacked by pirates, so it was a slip of the tongue, but it was a very interesting remark to me. (and I think to Bill Murray's character thought so as well. But it was a really weird movie, so I could be wrong.)

I think I used to feel this way about DH, and I have read other blogs and boards where similar emotions have been discussed. Things like "My DH was meant to be a father, I have to give this to him." Well, maybe so. Fortunately, for my own sanity, I no longer feel that I have a father on my hands in need of a baby, and I no longer feel that I am a mother in need of a baby.

Mother is such a huge title, one that so many girls aspire to, that I think often we see ourselves as mothers before we actually become mothers. We're Mothers in Waiting or something. And I know that the culture I grew up in, it was not unusual to carry that title in adult life as the main title, usually paired with "Wife and ...", but certainly between the 2, it was enough. And the wife part was much more disposable. I often thought that if I officially became a mother, I would shed my other titles: employee, artist, dog owner. They just wouldn't be necessary any more.

Being a mother without a child, being a captain without a boat... I don't have a child, but I am no longer a mother without, I just am me. I love this change because it means I am no longer defining myself by what is missing (children), or what prevents (infertility), or what I've lost (pregnancies). In fact, I am reluctant to define myself at all, because it is always evolving, we are all, hopefully, always evolving. I define myself as blessed, happy, a sum of all of my time, and that time continues to add to me, the ever-changing product.

BOO!

2005-11-01T17:31:00.000-05:00

Well, Halloween left me about 50-50 on how I'm feeling about children. Adorable children in the neighborhood took us on a guided tour of their 'Haunted Trail' and it was a lot of fun and they were so cute! (Actually, they would kill me for saying that- they were actually very spooky!) Then we went to some friends' for a drop-in which was fairly kid-heavy. An infant, a 15 month old, a 2 year old, a 2.5 year old... and on and on up to about a 5 or 6 year old. I was very much aware of the situation, the mothering that was happening all around. Rampant mothering. Negotiations over toys, candy, costumes. Diaper changes, bottles, goldfish... So when we left I said to my husband "Well, what did you think of all of that? Make you think you're missing out on anything?" He basically said he didn't know what I was talking about, so when I explained he said "No, I really didn't notice a difference." "Yeah," I said, "that must be because even though there was some Olympic level mothering going on, the fathering was incredibly minor- it wasn't so much fathering as it was 'being guys talking about golf in the other room.'" Anyway, he basically said that he certainly didn't feel he was missing out, he was happy, as he has been every time I ask him about it. I am obsessed with knowing he doesn't feel that I'm keeping him from fatherhood, probably in part because he just doesn't talk about it, but mostly because his sister and mother and father have all managed to convey that they think he really does want kids but is too selfless to ask me to try again... So I'm a little paranoid. I'm not big on things like Halloween anyway, so I wasn't feeling all weepy about it, and the kids were tired and hopped up on sugar, so they weren't very enticing.

Then we went to dinner and in the booth beside us were twins about 6 months old and their parents were about as proud as any parents I have ever seen! Which meant lots of cooing and trying to get the babies to smile at us. Actually, it wasn't very annoying, they were cute babies, and I can excuse new parents of twins from acting goofy, they were probably just hungry for some adult interaction.

So, we survived another kid-centric holiday basically unscathed. Oh! Except this: we were in the mini-van, so at a shop the guy helping us said "Well, I know you have kids, so this would be great for you!" "No, no kids," we said. "What? But you have a mini-van! You must have children!" (You're right, we are just lying because we don't like them very much. We keep them in the cellar, but bought a totally sweet mini-van for them anyway.) Ok people, hear me, and hear me now: I have a mini-van and no children. You are not, astounding as this may seem, required to have children in order to purchase a mini-van. If we tell you we don't have children, believe us. Don't go on and on about how unbelievable it is that we don't have kids, don't say 13 times in half an hour that you have NEVER met anyone with a mini-van and no children. We're out-of-the ordinary, we get it. Let it go already.

Random things

2005-10-31T13:20:00.000-05:00

Hmmm. Nothing much to say, just random thoughts.

I was flipping around and landed on 'A Wedding Story' just in time to see a bridesmaid/sister/??? (I don't know who because I hadn't been watching...) say to the bride "I'm so happy for you. Just don't have a baby before me." Wow, I really felt for her, I mean, she said it with a smile, but can you imagine what had been below the surface for her? I can relate to that, I remember having anxiety when people who got married after me would get that gleam in their eye. "No!!!!!",I wanted to scream, "Not! Before! Me!!!!"

Donna has graciously offered to co-found a club just for us and whomever we deem worthy! Yea! Of course, we live about as far apart from each other as possible and still be in the continential US... I graciously accept her offer, but wish very much that she lived around the corner. Then we could go to things together and roll our eyes at dumbasses or just skip it and go have a drink!

I am crocheting a cute little sweater for my soon-to-be-born niece. It is my first one (sweater, not niece), but so far it is looking just about adorable.

Do any of you without children ever get this kind of thing:
"You should just give me your mini-van since you don't have kids."
"You work at home, so I should just drop my kids at your house instead of paying for daycare."
"We should trade houses, you have all that room for just the 2 of you, and with the kids we're packed in like sardines."

I love my mini-van. I love my job. I love my house. And I work for them all. Just because you think that you could put it to better use doesn't mean that you should have mine.

Not Eligible for Membership

2005-10-27T16:36:00.000-05:00

So, I forgot to mention that at the same P@ampered Chef P@rty, I found out that I am not eligible for a lot of the social functions with the girls I've been spending time with.

For example, some have been talking about a book club, and I have said twice now that if they have an opening that I would love to join. Well, they do have openings, but... It is only for the Mom's Club members, so I'm not eligible. Girls Night out? Well, technically it is Mom's Night out, an 'official' gathering. Sorry. Potluck dinners. Lunches. etc.

Truthfully, if I were a mom I am not sure that I would want to be in a Mom's Group- I've never been a joiner. But just knowing I can't be included... I guess I'm just not big on clubs- why make things official, why have members and non-members? Maybe it dates back to adolescence, and feeling left out or something. Maybe there are reasons that someone could share with me, argue on the side of membership? Well, OK, I guess I understand membership to Sam's Club- I pay money, I get to shop there. If you don't pay, you can't shop. So maybe Mom's Club is like that- you pay dues, they organize... something? Whatever. Truthfully, I'm happy to hear that there is reason for my not being invited to join in with these activities, at least it isn't just that they don't want me to participate.

And I have (as proof that I have matured by leaps and bounds since adolescence) talked to some of the girls that I like, pointing out that since I work from home, my schedule is flexible, I could use human contact, call me for lunch anytime. I say you know, since I am not a mom and I work at home, it is tough to meet people, so I'd love to get together for lunch. And they're picking up on it, calling me, getting me out. I used to would have never considered that because it shows some degree of need, something I've never been to good at admitting (maybe why my adolescence sucked), but I know that admitting I need friends and social support doesn't make me particularly needy, just human.

I'm going to be petty... and spiteful.

2005-10-25T20:22:00.000-05:00

OK, so tonight I went to a P@mpered Chef party, and I had been to a party by the same 'kitchen consult@ant' before, and this is how our conversation went:

Her: "Hi! I'm Leigh!"
Me: "Hi, I'm Rooshie, we've actually met before, I was at your show last month at Kim's house."
Her: "Oh, that's right! Now, I can't remember, are your kids at School A or School B?"
Me: "Neither. I don't have kids."
Her: "YET, right!!!????!!!! HAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAAAA!"
Me: Blank stare.
Her: "Well, enjoy it while it lasts! hahahahahah!"
Me: "We're actually not having kids, so, yeah, guess we'll just enjoy it forever."
Her: "Well, you'll see what I mean when you have yours! Enjoy it while it lasts! Hahahahhhhaaaaa"
Me: Blank stare.
Her: (finally catching on...)"Oh. OH! oh..."

The whole thing just sucked. I didn't like getting (AGAIN) the whole questioning about my kids. I mean, asking 3 seconds into meeting or re-meeting someone if they have kids is bad enough, but jumping right in with the assumption that I do have kids really sucks, and it seems to happen about every other time that I meet someone. Secondly, the whole "yet" assumption. Is there really room in her mouth for both feet? Well, obviously there is, because she just kept on going.

So, my petty, spiteful, revenge, that she probably won't even register, is that I'm not going to order anything from her. Ha! Actually, I made a point of noting to her the things I'm interested in, but I'm going to order them through someone else. Ha. That will teach her to make assumptions. Or not. But it will give me a little tiny bit of satisfaction. Screw her.

changes in platitudes

2005-10-22T12:36:00.000-05:00

I used to think that stupid things to be told were incredibly more abundant when you were TTC- maybe they still are, I can think of 2001 stupid things that have been said (Just Relax, Take Mine, Meant to Be, and all the variations.) for those TTC.

Well, there are also a multitude of stupid things to be told about not having children. Mainly "Oh, you'll change your mind." and (if you had tried in the past to have children) "Oh, well, now that you're not trying, that is when it will happen!"

And if I happen to say something like "Oh, that is the cutest outfit for a baby girl!" or "What a neat toy" or "He is precious! What a great Halloween costume." I get that knowing look and something along the lines of (usually in a sing-song voice)"Ahh, sounds like sooooomeooooone is haaaaaaving second thoooouuuughts....." or "I knew you weren't locked into this silly idea of not having children, you just needed a break from trying!"

So, when I was trying to get pregnant, if I said something about a cute baby or whatever, I got a knowing look and a pat on the hand and "Oh, honey, it will happen for you, too" or "All in God's time" or something like that. And I felt to some degree that I needed shut the hell up, because it made people a little uncomfortable sometimes, the statement was seldom taken at face value. But now, I sort of thought that I would be free to make these comments without the platitudes in return, but I still get them, just different ones with the same knowing looks.

I for one am going to try really hard to not ever again say anything prescribed, trite, contrived to people just because I can't come up with anything else. I'm just going to be open to whatever they want to tell me.

Oh!

2005-10-10T20:58:00.000-05:00

I totally realized why I am not hoping for a 'surprise' pregnancy, especially while on the pill.

It isn't that it would mess up the plans we made since we stopped trying, we could get over that.

It is like this:

If you had a Rubik's Cube, and somehow tripped over it and solved it, well, that would be OK (in most cases)

Or if you had a Rubik's Cube, sat down to solve it and solved in an hours, that would be pretty awesome.

Or if you had a Rubik's Cube and tried for days, weeks, years to solve it, and eventually did, it took a while, but your hard work got you there- BRAVO!

But if you had a Rubik's Cube and tried for day, weeks, years to solve it and couldn't, and eventually put it away somewhere and decided to get on with life, but one day tripped over it, somehow turning it just so and viola! Solved. That, I think, would suck!

Who wants to know that their best efforts=crap, but tripping=sucess?

We Interrupt the Previously Scheduled Post...

2005-10-07T10:37:00.000-05:00

Well, I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when.

My mom finally brought it up (again)-

She asked when I could go off the pill. "Anytime I want." I answered. "Well, then go off already." she retorted.

"I don't want to."
"Are you scared of going through the treatments again? I know it is hard, but I don't want you to miss out on being a mom because you are scared. I don't want you to miss out on the kind of joy we get from you and your brother and sister."
"That isn't it." (I also threw a joke in about all the joy I sucked from their lives when I was a miserable teenager, but it fell flat.)
"Well, it isn't the money..."
"No, it isn't the money. Really, a lack of money wouldn't stop us anyway, if we really wanted it we would find a way. And fear wouldn't stop us, the treatments/miscarriages/etc. were hard, but we didn't stop because it was hard..."
"Well, I just don't understand..."
"Mom, listen, this is very personal, but you need to know... I felt that I was being asked to take another path. You know I'm very private when it comes to my spiritual life/religious life, so just know that I felt that I was being led to a different path than the one we had been on. And since I've been on that new path, I've felt deep peace."
"Well, why didn't you just say so??? That I understand!"

97% of the time I really believe it, too, although I guess this "path" could just be due to inertia.

Just some stuff on my mind

2005-10-05T11:13:00.000-05:00

1) The proposed "Unauthorized Reproduction Bill" in Indiana: Sad, anti-GLBT, unkind (just plain Not Nice- to anyone who may be forced to go through that process- like the populations that are going to be most impacted (GLBT, single parents, and infertiles) aren't already feeling a little beat up on. Like going through infertility treatments, miscarriages, etc, isn't demeaning enough, like being judged by 'faulty' biological parts isn't enough, now they should be judged officially, ask for permission to reproduce...), unfair (truly, it treats a group of people differently based on a medical problem, marital status, etc.). The whole thing makes me sick.

2) The show "Inconceivable" has been 'yanked' by NBC. No word on if it has been officially canceled, but it has been replaced with a Law and Order rerun for this coming week. I did watch the first episode, but I didn't really like it. It just wasn't good. I didn't think it was accurate, and I don't go for that kind of show, and it wasn't fun to see things I've experienced be distorted for entertainment... It was, IMO, meant to be entertainment, not a educational show, so I'll let them by to some degree. But, why show something unrealistic when you can just as easily do it justice and not harm the story? I don't think of it as a show that is meant to represent anything close to reality, just another fresh backdrop for Hollywood to present ever-stranger mini-melodramas. There is just nothing interesting to me about the sleeping around, the scandals, etc. It just isn't 'good tv' to me. At the same time, I do respect their right to produce anything they want, and if they can find viewers that do not agree with me, more power to them. It does bother me that they will be delivering misrepresentations of infertility/ART clinicians/etc., but since when has HW been interested in representing reality? That is, in some cases more than others, pretty unfortunate, but I think it is even more unfortunate that we Americans are so bloody ready to swallow anything that comes to us through our televisions. The show is fiction, it takes liberties with reality, it needs something edgeier, more scandalous, whatever, but what is really sad is that some people get their facts from Hollywood. Bottom line: I'm not going to miss it. I do wish there was better information out there about infertility, but it is unrealistic to think that HW is going to be providing it. Infertility certainly isn't the first topic to be mangled by HW. But since the show didn't seem to make a great impression, it doesn't seem that we're going to have to worry long about it spreading the wrong message... But, just in case it is just being revamped and you want to get your 2 cents in, INCIID is hosting a chat with the creator tonight.

Umm, not much else. I haven't had much to say lately. I'm just not feeling very conflicted, and I tend to only want to write when I feel conflicted. Some recent examples on my unconflicted state:

1) I realized today that I have been under new insurance for 2 months, and while the first thing I did was check to see if my BCP's were covered, it wasn't until this morning when I read the story on Indiana that it occurred to me to wonder what my new insurance carrier covers for infertility. I still don't know, I didn't wonder enough to actually go check.
2) My SIL is using a name that is eerily similar to a name I had planned to use for a daughter- so close that I do not think it would be cool for first cousins who live 4 miles from each other to have those names. Now, for the unconflicted part: not only does it not bother me, I didn't even realize it for over a week. I am just not thinking about my hypothetical children all that often (I am a terrible hypothetical mom.)
3) I gave away the very blanket that I crocheted with my own 2 hands for our actual child that never made it to the 2nd trimester. That's right- just handed it over to someone who has an actual baby. In the past I have given many crocheted blankets to new mothers, but I kept that one in a box in the closet. But I guess the time was right, because it didn't make me sad to see it or to hand it over.

I guess that is about it.

I started this blog to talk about the transition to childfree from infertile, and I guess I'll still talk about that some, but there isn't much meat left on the bone. Since we're not trying and not conflicted, it is sort of 'ho-hum...' But I think my next post will have to do with childfree-ness and how hard I find it to explain our childfree-ness. Right now I am much more conflicted about who I am in society as a CFer than I am about not having children.

Rambling

2005-08-26T14:28:00.000-05:00

"Well, you didn't try all that hard to have children."

"Don't you want to give your husband a son, to carry on the family name?"

"It isn't too late, you could still try! You're only like what? 30? So you have another year or 2, right?" (Actually I'm 32. And aren't men sooo funny?)

"Wow, it must have been a huge relief for your husband that all of the problem was yours!"

Except for the first one, these things don't hurt, they just amuse. The first one is different because it came from my mom, who should a) know better and b) lay off already. I know she means well. When I finally got up the nerve to tell her that no, we would not be trying again after we got the green light from my oncologist, that in fact, we may never try again, that we were, in fact, happier than we had been in years, she had been surprisingly supportive. But that was months ago and I think she has had time to mull it over, and also to come up with a strategy. I think the strategy is:

1) Point out every baby we come within 100 yards of.
2) Point out that she 'knows' couples who tried longer and harder, suffered more, and eventually delivered and are now happily raising x number of beautiful perfect babies.
3) Point out that she 'knows' couples who tried longer and harder, suffered more, and are now happily in the midst of adopting, that the process is "smooth, fast, easy." Ha. As if. Or as if the fear of it being rough, slow and hard were what is keeping us from it.

She will not come right out and say "Please, I think you are making a terrible mistake, you just must have children." But I think that is where she is heading. I do understand her motives, or whatever, that she doesn't want me to regret or quit for the wrong reason. She is a wonderful mother, I wouldn't trade her for any other mother in the world, she is the greatest. She is just doing a version of what she did before we married (when she questioned our sanity, played devil's advocate to make sure we knew what we were doing...).

Well, we'll see how it plays out. So far I'm not getting into it with her, I'm just listening, smiling. Except for the "you didn't really try that hard" comment, I just had to beg to differ on that one (Who, after all, should get to decide what is 'hard'? Certainly not the mother of 3, miscarrier of none.). And the "adoption is sooo easy" remarks. Not that it isn't worth it when you choose it, but I doubt that "smooth, fast, easy" is how most would describe the adoption process. And that it isn't adoption we have ruled out, it is parenthood. (Good grief, I am such a wuss. I feel the need to add this qualifier: We reserve the right to change our minds and pursue parenthood in any manner we see fit at some future date.)

I guess I felt something of a pang when looking at all of those perfect, beautiful babies that my mother kept dragging me towards... I do love babies. And kids.

Someone asked me recently if I didn't like children. No, I said, I love them, love babies, love children. "Other peoples' children, though, right???" they said laughing. Well, since I don't have any, loving other peoples' children is pretty much the only option, isn't it? I do, though; I adore them.

My friend let me babysit her 7 month old the other day, and the sweet little guy feel asleep on my chest. It was one of the best feelings in the world! But it used to would have sent me into weeks of depression and longing. But this time I left feeling fulfilled. And asked if I could come back soon to get another 'fix'. I LOVE her son, he is precious, delightful. If I were ever to covet a baby, it would be him. But I don't, so I know I'm on the right path. At least for now.

Adventures in Fertile Land

2005-08-15T11:22:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned in my last post, I am in a social group of very fertile women: I am the only woman without children, in fact the only woman with less than 2 children. There is one woman who works part time, the rest are SAHM's.

The first night, when I only knew one woman and then realized the statistics on the others, I had to fight an urge to run from the host's house and walk home in a thunderstorm rather than put myself through it another minute. But I stuck it out, and had a decent but uneasy night.

I wavered on bowing out from the group, but decided to stay. In a room of 15-20 women, I am bound to have something significant in common with each of them, right? So, I went back. It still is occasionally uneasy, but we do have stuff in common and the talk isn't all about kids all the time, we've branched out a little. I am more than willing to talk babies/kids/pregnancy/pre-school/etc some, if there is also some art/music/decorating/spouse/career/etc talk.

So, one of the women went to the same college I did, at the same time. We didn't know each other, but we talk about the city, professors, mutual friends. One has great taste in music and a raunchy sense of humor that I really dig. One lives down the street, has a wonderful, fun personality and a husband that would make the perfect basketball watching buddy for my husband.

It has totally been worth it. I do still wish we had some couple friends that are in our same situation, but I don't know how to find them. And what if we find them and aside from the no-kid thing (which could change...)we have nothing in common?

There are some comments that still get my attention, make me feel on the outs. Like when discussing something (housecleaning, cooking, being tired, whatever...) one girl always finds a way to say "Well, we're all mom's here, so we know what that is like!" There are so many of us that some don't remember that I don't have kids, so they ask how my kids are...

No one has actually asked me about our childlessness, and I guess we're all still a little new to each other for that, I don't know how I would react if I were asked in the middle of the big group to explain why we don't have children. But I can see them trying to put it all together, they wonder if I don't like children. They watch me interact with their kids, who are sometimes there at the start or end of an evening. One suggested that I adopt an older child, a way for me to have kids but 'avoid the baby stage'. One said "Oh! You must still be a newly-wed!" When I said no, we'd been together almost 10 years, she said "Oh! What's the holdup???" Nice people sometimes say the dumbest things.

I am certainly broadening my social group by being a part of all of this, and I'm seeing the reality of mothers - SAHM's especially - that debunks some of my idealized visions of what it would be like to be a mother. There are lots of differences between them, they are no more cookie cutter than anyone else. And they have a different set of issues to contend with. One confessed it was time for her to figure out what to do with her life, the kids are in school, she needs to go back to work, but her self-confidence has dropped, she doesn't know if she can still keep up. She doesn't even know what she wants to do. Others talk about frustration with husbands or time for themselves, etc.

I hope that they are maybe learning a little bit about people that they may meet without children by spending time with me, hopefully learning to not judge. I think eventually we'll all feel comfortable enough to discuss the whole issue.

This next part may piss some people off, but I think that it is only because I don't know how to express it. Hanging out with these women has shown me that mom or not we all have a life to live, and there is no golden ticket, despite what Britney's belly says. Being infertile certainly doesn't make things any easier. And I'm not saying that the women who get pregnant when they want don't have it easier in that aspect than women who can't. But there are sooo many other aspects. Comparing my life to someone else's just won't work, because regardless, this is the one I have. If I were a mom now, I would still have good days and bad days.

"I'm sooo fertile...."

2005-08-12T12:02:00.000-05:00

So, who else saw Kelly R. this morning? She and her cute hubby were hosting R & K since Reg is on vacation, and the topic of Kelly's fertility came up. Again. Evidently their latest was conceived one night when the grandparents had the kids, and according to Kelly, they weren't even doing anything that would have normally resulted in a pregnancy (like having sex?), but she is SOOOO fertile that it was more like a glance from across a crowded room that got them in trouble. Obviously this isn't a real accurate transcript, no actual quotes, but she basically said they didn't have to do anything and *boom* - another pregnancy. Wow. That must suck for her.

When we were into like the 82nd year of TTC, one of my darling co-workers said "Oh, just call me Fertile Myrtle! I get knocked up at a glance." Now, by show of hands, who among us (I mean us 'infertile myrtles') has not heard this overused, tired little line at least once? How am I supposed to respond? You know, I don't care how I should respond, just please tell me how not to smack someone when they say it.

Now, this brings me to something a little closer to home. I hang out with a group of women, we get together monthly to socialize. It is still a sort of new thing, and I have wavered on whether I want to continue to participate. Right now I'm enjoying it mostly, and I NEED some sort of social life, so I think I'll keep going. But, do you remember that Sesame Street Song "One of these things is not like the others, One of these things just doesn't belong.." Well, that is my theme song for these get-togethers. Because every last one of them is a STAY AT HOME MOM. That's right, I'm the one that is not like the others... And some are still having trouble remembering that, since someone still asks each time "How many kids did you say you have?" Anyway, there are some interesting exchanges that I will cover in another post (Preview: "Want mine?", "What's wrong- do you just not like kids?"...) but this post is about the Super-Fertiles...

Last week we had 2 new pregnancies announced, which led to more talk of all things pregnancy related. Of the 15 women there (obviously not including me), none had trouble conceiving. One had had a miscarriage, but she had also had FOUR successful pregnancies. 4 Women had a combined total of 6 pregnancies while on the pill. I never brought up my sad little history, I just don't want to spend my little bit of social time recounting the failings of my reproductive system. But that is just CRAZY. Where have all the infertiles gone? And why are none of them in my neighborhood? And why am I surrounded by Fertile Myrtles?

I think what bothered me also was that I am on the pill. I like a plan, I don't love surprises. When I wanted kids, I wanted kids. Now that I'm CF, I want to be CF. What kind of cruel Higher Power or Twist of Fate would not let me have a child when I wanted one, but would allow me to get knocked up while on the pill? And after I have squandered the baby fund on expensive chocolates and cheap liquor and slutty clothes?

Of course, I am severely sub-fertile, so I doubt that the pill-pregnancies of a few super-fertiles mean anything to me. But maybe Kelly Ripa should think about using a few back-up methods.

The thing is, I pretty much like Kelly Ripa. Although I don't really know her, and only catch the show for a few minutes every couple of months, I don't dislike her. She seems cute, funny, high energy. I have no valid reason to dislike her, I don't think being fertile is a valid reason not to like someone (although I didn't really dig her talking about it this morning...) She makes fun of herself, I like that. And I like my friends who are fertile. It is just soooo weird how some women can be so fertile that they get pregnant during phone sex, and some women can't get pregnant or can't stay pregnant with a team of highly trained, highly paid specialists and a warehouse full of fertility drugs.

How to get my foot in your ass...

2005-08-03T12:36:00.000-05:00

I refer to EHow.com for a number of things. I have in the past referred to it for 'How to Accessorize for a Formal Occasion' or something like that, when I had a high society wedding to attend.

I have referred to it for 'How to Polish Copper', 'How to Paint Walls', 'How to Repot Plants', stuff like that. I was just surfing around, found myself there, and clicked on the 'Family and Relationships Center' out of morbid curiosity. Could EHow be the magic bullet in fixing my relationship with my in-laws???

But I got sidetracked. And clicked on 'Building Your Family'. And then 'How to Get Pregnant'. OH MY GOD, THERE ARE DIRECTIONS? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THE EHOW KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING WRONG???

OK, so they do preface it with " For some, conceiving is as easy as pie; for others, it can be more of a challenge. " which ... well... frankly doesn't go far enough in my opinion. It follows with this sage advice:

1. Find a partner.

2. Dispense with birth control. If you've been taking the pill, most doctors advise you to wait at least three months before trying for a baby.

3. Have unprotected sex around the time you ovulate (which, for most women, is roughly in the middle of the cycle, or about 14 days before you expect your next period).

4. Repeat as needed.

5. Continue to repeat as needed

Honestly, I got a little chuckle out of this, it is so simplistic that it seems certain that it is meant to be taken as a tongue-in-check kind of thing. But then I read the EHow's User Tips: Every Day in the morning. Every other day. Schedule. Don't schedule. Chart. Don't Chart. You get the picture. 11 users posted their assvice on how to get pregnant, how they got pregnant, one boasting that she got pregnant the first month, implying that is all the proof you need that it will work for you.

Also amusing was 'How to Orchestrate the Perfect Conception' which included tips on planning so that delivery would be at a convenient time for the parents' work schedules and holiday time. Please, if you are one of those people who actually planned the conception/delivery around work and vacation and had everything fall into place just like you wanted, do not tell me about it. Surefire way to make me want to put my foot in your ass.

Whatever. Anyway, I'm just saying, this isn't cool for the infertile. Not that I think that EHow is where the majority of women are going for advice on conceiving. Hopefully. But, as an alumnus/dropout of Infertility University (IU), I will continue to get peeved whenever someone says "Just relax/chart/have more sex/have less sex/stand on your head..."

Something else that tends to piss me off is the whole 'meant to be' school of thought. I actually do believe that my life has unfolded in a way that seems to indicate planning at a higher level, I even, when pushed, would say that there seems to be some grand plan at work in my life, that the way things have happened, with the infertility and the cancer and the CF-ness, that I am on the right road, that Someone has gently steered me here and that I feel a peace because I am on the path I am supposed to be on. Corny? Sure. A copout? Maybe. But I feel good about it none-the-less. In essence, I feel like I've been given an indication of what is meant to be, at least for now, in MY life.

But what pisses me off, what will continue to piss me off, is when someone says "It was meant to be" or "It wasn't meant to be" or "God has a different plan" to someone else about that someone else's life.

So to those people, I say: It just isn't nice to go around telling people who are hurting that what it is they want so badly isn't meant to be, isn't what God wants for them, or whatever variation on that theme you hear coming out of your mouth. You think you are helping, but YOU ARE NOT. You are basically discounting their pain, discounting their desire, discounting their hard work. I just don't think that God has given you insight to what he wants for me, I think you are just at a complete loss of what else to say. And I say this not only about infertility, but jobs, education, relationships, whatever. And saying 'it will happen when it is meant to happen', well that translates to 'you are wasting time, energy and desire on something that you have no control over'.

Maybe you're right. Whatever. Why poke wounds? Just remember, it brings no comfort when you want something or are grieving that the universe isn't behind you. Bite your tongue. Saying nothing is better by far.

Then again....

2005-07-27T19:30:00.000-05:00

I am in some sort of possibly hormone-driven mood-fluctuation cycle, because once again upon re-reading a previous post, I'm left thinking "What was I thinking?"

Maybe this will be a short-lived blog. I seem to be just repeating cycles of "I'm really happy, loving CF", and "Hmmm, is this really for me?" If that is all that I have going on in my head on this topic, things are going to get boring fast.

So, my thoughts on my last post are that I see my point, still agree with myself.

But I read it now and I wonder why I left out all the other stuff. Crying in the shower. Crying at my desk. Crying at the kitchen sink. Crying in my car while driving myself home from an ultrasound with no heartbeat. Ugh. I DO NOT MISS THAT. And there are other ways Hope can be in my life without quite so much torture. I think that maybe, if we hadn't moved when we did, just after an IVF failure, we might still be trying and my dear sweet handsome man might still be missing the person he married.

Missing...

2005-07-21T11:05:00.000-05:00

I sort of hate to admit this, but I am sort of missing all the trying...

I am not actually missing the thought of raising children, but I am missing the nasty messy disappointing part. I guess I'm missing the hope.

I am still a frequenter of the TTC blogs. In fact, I didn't discover them until after we had stopped. And when I read of someone driving to the pharmacy to pick up a big bag of needles and PIO and serious drugs, I get a little wistful.

I remember so well our first and only IVF. Going to the big medical university pharmacy first thing in the morning, in the rain. I actually worked at the medical university, so I parked where I always parked and walked to a different building, further than my normal building. It was pouring, and I watched the ground the whole time, watching my feet splatter the water on the pavement (so that when I finally looked up I wasn't exactly in the right place - oops) and I was saying in my head, in rhythm with my steps "PLEASE.GOD.LET.THIS.WORK". I did not look in the bag all day, I kept in hidden under my desk, and I walked to my car alone at 5 so I wouldn't get any questions. When I got home I unpacked every last thing and it all seemed so promising, there was SO MUCH STUFF! How could it not work when there was so much stuff?

We went to the orientation for our IVF group, where they get all the people that are going to be trying IVF that cycle in a room and present all the information, and make them sign all the forms ("If there are leftover embryos, after the 1 year waiting period has expired, will you Donate, Store or Destroy them?" Stuff like that.) There were about 30 couples in the room and I looked around and tried to determine which ones would get to the various stages. There were so many chances to fail. You might not even get follicles to retrieve. You might get hyper-stimulated and cancelled. Maybe none of the eggs fertilize. Maybe some fertilize, but fail to split properly. Maybe they split, but don't make it to transfer. Maybe they transfer but don't implant. Maybe they implant, but end in miscarriage... We all knew the statistics, national statistics and the statistics for our clinic, a very good clinic. "Ha!" I thought. "I don't know who else will succeed, but WE are getting through every last stage and taking home a baby." I knew it, I knew that it would happen for us. KNEW IT, KNEW IT, KNEW IT. Even after the very grim slideshow that broke down our chances, the increased chance for miscarriage, etc. I KNEW. And I started feeling bad for the others in the room who would not be so lucky. I knew we couldn't all succeed, and I knew I was succeeding, so some of these people were going to be disappointed.

Maybe that is what I miss - The adrenaline high of Hope. I know that infertiles look at Hope wearily, call her bad names, vow to never let her in again... But Hope is like seeing the next wave coming toward the shore, maybe it will be the one that gives you the perfect ride. Sure, the last one sent you for a tumble, but this one looks perfect. And it lifts you up and you get that rise in your tummy and there is so much possibility in that wave. And the only way to find out if it is THE wave is to ride it.

Our IVF wave got us almost the shore before petering out in a very early miscarriage. It was all that we had hoped it would be. Almost.

Now, prior to trying IVF, hope was still there, but it felt worse, beat us up more often. Maybe because the prep for IVF is so extended compared to a normal cycle, the ride was longer. But still, when we were trying with Clomid and Tamoxifen and the other regular stuff, we pretty much had 2 weeks of gearing up to try, days of trying, 2 weeks of waiting, days of misery. We would see that wave of hope on the horizon and it would start to lift us up, get us out of the misery and ready for the next try, and build and build... until we crashed. But after years of this, even though I was still miserable for those days, I knew that it was only temporary, that the hope would return in just a few days and lift me right back up, I would be ready for another ride.

And small successes make Hope grow. Ovulated this cycle? Heap on extra Hope for next cycle. We were possibly never as Hopeful as we were after our first miscarriage. Not right away, of course. But there seemed to be so many reasons to be hopeful. We finally had proof that is was possible. We finally knew which drugs would make me ovulate. We finally had some reason to be hopeful. We were closer than we had ever been.

When you stop trying, Hope doesn't come back to lift you up, you have to figure out something else or just stay miserable. The thing about Hope is it isn't about now, it is about the future. I like Hope, I want to always know Hope, but Hope was always the center of attention when we were TTC, we were at her mercy, or we were disappointed in her, or we were cautiously embracing her. I still have Hope in my life, I hope that my family remains healthy, I hope my raise comes through, I hope they haven't really cancelled Dead Like Me, but it isn't the center of our lives anymore. Things are a lot more stable, fewer heart-crushing lows, but also less excitement, no rhythm of Hope crashing on the shore.

So, Am I Childfree, or Just Kidding Myself?

2005-07-05T21:57:00.000-05:00

It has been a while since my first post, which I just reread, and I'm not sure that I'm entirely on the same page I was then...
I should maybe confess that I wrote that post after several jumbo margaritas and dinner with my newly pregnant SIL and her husband... So maybe a little bravado on my part?

So here are some new confessions:
- Yes, I'm happy, and choosing not to have kids, but it does still sting to see someone cross over.
- I said in the previous post that I don't consider myself infertile. But I really do. Let's face it, I am.

I think I was anxious to rid myself of that label, I abhor being a victim, being pitied, and being infertile for 4 years made me feel pitied. Being a cancer patient made me feel pitied. So I didn't really want to have to be both, one pity-inducing label at a time, please. Now I'm a cancer survivor, and that feels pretty good to me. If I have to have the word cancer in my life, survivor beats patient any day.

So, yes, I'm infertile. And yes, I'm childfree. In that I'm choosing not to have children. Maybe I feel safe saying that because I quit before I exhausted all of my options, so I don't feel like it was forced on me. My CF status is a result of my infertility in that if I had not been infertile, I would be a mom by now. But infertility isn't why I choose to be CF.

See, even now I am having a hard time with the quitting. I do not like quitting things! But can I even be both?

and does it even matter?

Not really.

So hear is the deal: infertility is part of me, always will be, I will never forget it all. But I'm happy now, I am not wishing we had kids, I'm not certain I want them anymore. I like the idea that in 15 years we'll be working less, not more. We'll have more time for each other, not less. And I don't feel like a quitter.

Let's Start at the Beginning...

2005-06-10T20:06:00.000-05:00

So, this is the deal: I had a plan. After getting married I did, anyway. I wanted kids, soon and many. Oh, I don't know why, but it was my plan. And so, after a respectable honeymoon period of 2 or 3 years, we pitched the birth control and started plugging away, so to speak...

My better half was on board, and we cheerfully looked forward to our days of parenting. And time marched on. Our noble plan was... not the noble plan that the powers that be were choosing to endorse...

So, what, another infertility blog? Well, not entirely. Yes we were infertile, no we didn't become partents. Other things happened, life happened, continues to happen... And we've decided to jump on board. So our noble plan is being replaced by a nobler plan- getting on with life.

So maybe you're thinking: "Oh, she's just bitter. Burnt out from all the failure..." Actually, no. This is about the other side, the side of the story about things not happening according to plan. But going quite well all the same. I'm a girl on the cusp of 2 blog lands, not quite an infertile, (not in the active way anyway) and not quite 'childfree'. I'm in the middle ground. Or at least I feel like I am. I totally get the TTC bloggers, I read them compulsively. I remember it all, when they blog about waiting for beta's, when they post about heartbreaking ultrasounds, when they tell the world that they spent half their salary on pregnancy tests and the other half on OPK's, I can relate.

On the other hand, I am now decidedly childfree. I'm happy about it. I would have, I feel certain, been happy if our plans for having children had worked out like we intended, but I'm happy anyway. Certainly happier than I was when we were wanting what we weren't getting. I like my life without kids, even though I love kids, and contrary to popular belief, this isn't my second choice. Except in the way that I tried to choose something else once. OK, so in that way it is a second choice. But actually, we didn't run out of options, as far as I can see, for us, at this point, there are always options. We could have kept trying, we could have pursued adoption. We decided to pursue something else. We didn't want it anymore. We, ok, I, decided CF was what I was looking for.

I still relate to the TTCer's. And I'm not entirely sure I get the majority of CFer's. I LOVE kids, they do not annoy me in restaurants (very often), I do not think of parents as anything other than parents. I might think they good parents, or great parents, or crappy parents. I think kids are neat, and sometimes annoying, sometimes gross, sometimes too cute for words, sometimes so honest that I could cry.

So I'm off the TTC/infertility 'rollercoaster', as they say. I have occassionally read in blogs, once an infertile, always an infertile and thought HA! Because I don't think of myself as infertile. But, truth be told, I feel like another alumnus. I didn't graduate in the same way a lot of former infertiles did, through parenthood. But I'm a former infertile all the same.