So, Am I Childfree, or Just Kidding Myself?
It has been a while since my first post, which I just reread, and I'm not sure that I'm entirely on the same page I was then...
I should maybe confess that I wrote that post after several jumbo margaritas and dinner with my newly pregnant SIL and her husband... So maybe a little bravado on my part?
So here are some new confessions:
- Yes, I'm happy, and choosing not to have kids, but it does still sting to see someone cross over.
- I said in the previous post that I don't consider myself infertile. But I really do. Let's face it, I am.
I think I was anxious to rid myself of that label, I abhor being a victim, being pitied, and being infertile for 4 years made me feel pitied. Being a cancer patient made me feel pitied. So I didn't really want to have to be both, one pity-inducing label at a time, please. Now I'm a cancer survivor, and that feels pretty good to me. If I have to have the word cancer in my life, survivor beats patient any day.
So, yes, I'm infertile. And yes, I'm childfree. In that I'm choosing not to have children. Maybe I feel safe saying that because I quit before I exhausted all of my options, so I don't feel like it was forced on me. My CF status is a result of my infertility in that if I had not been infertile, I would be a mom by now. But infertility isn't why I choose to be CF.
See, even now I am having a hard time with the quitting. I do not like quitting things! But can I even be both?
and does it even matter?
Not really.
So hear is the deal: infertility is part of me, always will be, I will never forget it all. But I'm happy now, I am not wishing we had kids, I'm not certain I want them anymore. I like the idea that in 15 years we'll be working less, not more. We'll have more time for each other, not less. And I don't feel like a quitter.
I should maybe confess that I wrote that post after several jumbo margaritas and dinner with my newly pregnant SIL and her husband... So maybe a little bravado on my part?
So here are some new confessions:
- Yes, I'm happy, and choosing not to have kids, but it does still sting to see someone cross over.
- I said in the previous post that I don't consider myself infertile. But I really do. Let's face it, I am.
I think I was anxious to rid myself of that label, I abhor being a victim, being pitied, and being infertile for 4 years made me feel pitied. Being a cancer patient made me feel pitied. So I didn't really want to have to be both, one pity-inducing label at a time, please. Now I'm a cancer survivor, and that feels pretty good to me. If I have to have the word cancer in my life, survivor beats patient any day.
So, yes, I'm infertile. And yes, I'm childfree. In that I'm choosing not to have children. Maybe I feel safe saying that because I quit before I exhausted all of my options, so I don't feel like it was forced on me. My CF status is a result of my infertility in that if I had not been infertile, I would be a mom by now. But infertility isn't why I choose to be CF.
See, even now I am having a hard time with the quitting. I do not like quitting things! But can I even be both?
and does it even matter?
Not really.
So hear is the deal: infertility is part of me, always will be, I will never forget it all. But I'm happy now, I am not wishing we had kids, I'm not certain I want them anymore. I like the idea that in 15 years we'll be working less, not more. We'll have more time for each other, not less. And I don't feel like a quitter.
posted by Rooshie at 21:57
2 Comments:
Hi--
I am in the same position as you.
I am glad to see you. I thought I was all alone.
Rosie__791 at hotmail.com
Thank you so much for your comment on my blog, and for your blog. I hope I can come here and find comfort in my transition. Take care.
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