Adventures in Fertile Land
As I mentioned in my last post, I am in a social group of very fertile women: I am the only woman without children, in fact the only woman with less than 2 children. There is one woman who works part time, the rest are SAHM's.
The first night, when I only knew one woman and then realized the statistics on the others, I had to fight an urge to run from the host's house and walk home in a thunderstorm rather than put myself through it another minute. But I stuck it out, and had a decent but uneasy night.
I wavered on bowing out from the group, but decided to stay. In a room of 15-20 women, I am bound to have something significant in common with each of them, right? So, I went back. It still is occasionally uneasy, but we do have stuff in common and the talk isn't all about kids all the time, we've branched out a little. I am more than willing to talk babies/kids/pregnancy/pre-school/etc some, if there is also some art/music/decorating/spouse/career/etc talk.
So, one of the women went to the same college I did, at the same time. We didn't know each other, but we talk about the city, professors, mutual friends. One has great taste in music and a raunchy sense of humor that I really dig. One lives down the street, has a wonderful, fun personality and a husband that would make the perfect basketball watching buddy for my husband.
It has totally been worth it. I do still wish we had some couple friends that are in our same situation, but I don't know how to find them. And what if we find them and aside from the no-kid thing (which could change...)we have nothing in common?
There are some comments that still get my attention, make me feel on the outs. Like when discussing something (housecleaning, cooking, being tired, whatever...) one girl always finds a way to say "Well, we're all mom's here, so we know what that is like!" There are so many of us that some don't remember that I don't have kids, so they ask how my kids are...
No one has actually asked me about our childlessness, and I guess we're all still a little new to each other for that, I don't know how I would react if I were asked in the middle of the big group to explain why we don't have children. But I can see them trying to put it all together, they wonder if I don't like children. They watch me interact with their kids, who are sometimes there at the start or end of an evening. One suggested that I adopt an older child, a way for me to have kids but 'avoid the baby stage'. One said "Oh! You must still be a newly-wed!" When I said no, we'd been together almost 10 years, she said "Oh! What's the holdup???" Nice people sometimes say the dumbest things.
I am certainly broadening my social group by being a part of all of this, and I'm seeing the reality of mothers - SAHM's especially - that debunks some of my idealized visions of what it would be like to be a mother. There are lots of differences between them, they are no more cookie cutter than anyone else. And they have a different set of issues to contend with. One confessed it was time for her to figure out what to do with her life, the kids are in school, she needs to go back to work, but her self-confidence has dropped, she doesn't know if she can still keep up. She doesn't even know what she wants to do. Others talk about frustration with husbands or time for themselves, etc.
I hope that they are maybe learning a little bit about people that they may meet without children by spending time with me, hopefully learning to not judge. I think eventually we'll all feel comfortable enough to discuss the whole issue.
This next part may piss some people off, but I think that it is only because I don't know how to express it. Hanging out with these women has shown me that mom or not we all have a life to live, and there is no golden ticket, despite what Britney's belly says. Being infertile certainly doesn't make things any easier. And I'm not saying that the women who get pregnant when they want don't have it easier in that aspect than women who can't. But there are sooo many other aspects. Comparing my life to someone else's just won't work, because regardless, this is the one I have. If I were a mom now, I would still have good days and bad days.
The first night, when I only knew one woman and then realized the statistics on the others, I had to fight an urge to run from the host's house and walk home in a thunderstorm rather than put myself through it another minute. But I stuck it out, and had a decent but uneasy night.
I wavered on bowing out from the group, but decided to stay. In a room of 15-20 women, I am bound to have something significant in common with each of them, right? So, I went back. It still is occasionally uneasy, but we do have stuff in common and the talk isn't all about kids all the time, we've branched out a little. I am more than willing to talk babies/kids/pregnancy/pre-school/etc some, if there is also some art/music/decorating/spouse/career/etc talk.
So, one of the women went to the same college I did, at the same time. We didn't know each other, but we talk about the city, professors, mutual friends. One has great taste in music and a raunchy sense of humor that I really dig. One lives down the street, has a wonderful, fun personality and a husband that would make the perfect basketball watching buddy for my husband.
It has totally been worth it. I do still wish we had some couple friends that are in our same situation, but I don't know how to find them. And what if we find them and aside from the no-kid thing (which could change...)we have nothing in common?
There are some comments that still get my attention, make me feel on the outs. Like when discussing something (housecleaning, cooking, being tired, whatever...) one girl always finds a way to say "Well, we're all mom's here, so we know what that is like!" There are so many of us that some don't remember that I don't have kids, so they ask how my kids are...
No one has actually asked me about our childlessness, and I guess we're all still a little new to each other for that, I don't know how I would react if I were asked in the middle of the big group to explain why we don't have children. But I can see them trying to put it all together, they wonder if I don't like children. They watch me interact with their kids, who are sometimes there at the start or end of an evening. One suggested that I adopt an older child, a way for me to have kids but 'avoid the baby stage'. One said "Oh! You must still be a newly-wed!" When I said no, we'd been together almost 10 years, she said "Oh! What's the holdup???" Nice people sometimes say the dumbest things.
I am certainly broadening my social group by being a part of all of this, and I'm seeing the reality of mothers - SAHM's especially - that debunks some of my idealized visions of what it would be like to be a mother. There are lots of differences between them, they are no more cookie cutter than anyone else. And they have a different set of issues to contend with. One confessed it was time for her to figure out what to do with her life, the kids are in school, she needs to go back to work, but her self-confidence has dropped, she doesn't know if she can still keep up. She doesn't even know what she wants to do. Others talk about frustration with husbands or time for themselves, etc.
I hope that they are maybe learning a little bit about people that they may meet without children by spending time with me, hopefully learning to not judge. I think eventually we'll all feel comfortable enough to discuss the whole issue.
This next part may piss some people off, but I think that it is only because I don't know how to express it. Hanging out with these women has shown me that mom or not we all have a life to live, and there is no golden ticket, despite what Britney's belly says. Being infertile certainly doesn't make things any easier. And I'm not saying that the women who get pregnant when they want don't have it easier in that aspect than women who can't. But there are sooo many other aspects. Comparing my life to someone else's just won't work, because regardless, this is the one I have. If I were a mom now, I would still have good days and bad days.
posted by Rooshie at 11:22
5 Comments:
I am so glad I read your post today. I am about to go visit my b/f today (who is a SAHM), and we have had so many "issues" about what not to say to me! We have been friends forever and I couldn't imagine life without her. You are so right about not being able to compare our lives, because this is what we have right now. We all have problems and have to deal with them in our own ways. Thank you for writing.
--Fellow Infertile in LA
So true! I'm glad you are sticking in out with the group. I'm lucky to have a cross-section of friends, some with children, some without, some who want them and some who do not, and we all have our struggles and triumphs. Thanks for being out there in cyberspace.
Those like me, who have decide to be CF for whatever reason also find it hard. People want to know why, and then they say things that hurt mostly unintentionally. I know that I have strugled to make friends, and find myself sometimes very much on the outside of a group that is my own age. I love kids, being CF has nothing to do with my love of children. I don't belong to that wacky group of CF'ers that seem to think that everyone who has kids is doing harm, but sometimes people assume that too. I liked your post today.
Well said. It's easy to think that the grass is greener on their "fertile" side and in many respects it is, but that is only part of the story. Parenthood holds many ups and downs.
I am glad that you are spending time with different types of people and finding their experiences are as interesting and valuable as ours.
Very useful idea
Post a Comment
<< Home