Rambling

"Well, you didn't try all that hard to have children."

"Don't you want to give your husband a son, to carry on the family name?"

"It isn't too late, you could still try! You're only like what? 30? So you have another year or 2, right?" (Actually I'm 32. And aren't men sooo funny?)

"Wow, it must have been a huge relief for your husband that all of the problem was yours!"

Except for the first one, these things don't hurt, they just amuse. The first one is different because it came from my mom, who should a) know better and b) lay off already. I know she means well. When I finally got up the nerve to tell her that no, we would not be trying again after we got the green light from my oncologist, that in fact, we may never try again, that we were, in fact, happier than we had been in years, she had been surprisingly supportive. But that was months ago and I think she has had time to mull it over, and also to come up with a strategy. I think the strategy is:

1) Point out every baby we come within 100 yards of.
2) Point out that she 'knows' couples who tried longer and harder, suffered more, and eventually delivered and are now happily raising x number of beautiful perfect babies.
3) Point out that she 'knows' couples who tried longer and harder, suffered more, and are now happily in the midst of adopting, that the process is "smooth, fast, easy." Ha. As if. Or as if the fear of it being rough, slow and hard were what is keeping us from it.

She will not come right out and say "Please, I think you are making a terrible mistake, you just must have children." But I think that is where she is heading. I do understand her motives, or whatever, that she doesn't want me to regret or quit for the wrong reason. She is a wonderful mother, I wouldn't trade her for any other mother in the world, she is the greatest. She is just doing a version of what she did before we married (when she questioned our sanity, played devil's advocate to make sure we knew what we were doing...).

Well, we'll see how it plays out. So far I'm not getting into it with her, I'm just listening, smiling. Except for the "you didn't really try that hard" comment, I just had to beg to differ on that one (Who, after all, should get to decide what is 'hard'? Certainly not the mother of 3, miscarrier of none.). And the "adoption is sooo easy" remarks. Not that it isn't worth it when you choose it, but I doubt that "smooth, fast, easy" is how most would describe the adoption process. And that it isn't adoption we have ruled out, it is parenthood. (Good grief, I am such a wuss. I feel the need to add this qualifier: We reserve the right to change our minds and pursue parenthood in any manner we see fit at some future date.)

I guess I felt something of a pang when looking at all of those perfect, beautiful babies that my mother kept dragging me towards... I do love babies. And kids.

Someone asked me recently if I didn't like children. No, I said, I love them, love babies, love children. "Other peoples' children, though, right???" they said laughing. Well, since I don't have any, loving other peoples' children is pretty much the only option, isn't it? I do, though; I adore them.

My friend let me babysit her 7 month old the other day, and the sweet little guy feel asleep on my chest. It was one of the best feelings in the world! But it used to would have sent me into weeks of depression and longing. But this time I left feeling fulfilled. And asked if I could come back soon to get another 'fix'. I LOVE her son, he is precious, delightful. If I were ever to covet a baby, it would be him. But I don't, so I know I'm on the right path. At least for now.