Dreams

Last night I had a dream that DH and I were driving down the road - I was actually driving - and we approached a huge bridge, but the bridge dipped down, and there was water covering it from start to finish. Deep water. I couldn't stop, we hit it straight on, then hydro-planed to the left, all the way across about 8 lanes, into the side rail. Other cars were behind us and I waited to see them do the same thing, waited for what was sure to be a major disaster as more cars sped toward the bridge, but, except for one or 2, they all sailed through it as if it weren't there. Eventually, we managed to push our way across, and collapsed at a nearby hotel. DH woke me the next morning (still in the dream...) and announced that he had been wrong. He wanted kids after all. He would settle for one, but was no longer interested in 'none'. I was distraught.
"What if I'm still infertile?" I asked.
"We'll see a doctor."
"What if it doesn't help, it didn't before...".
"We'll go back until it does."
"What about my health, the cancer, the treatments?"
"This is more important."
I wanted to come up with one good deal-breaker, one thing that could change his mind for good, something that he couldn't argue with because I didn't want it to be just me that kept him from getting what he wanted, and it occurred to me in my dream that he may have to find someone else to have a family with, that I now had a choice- have kids and keep him or don't have kids and be alone forever. Between my reluctance and my infertility, I realized I was unable to give him children and happiness. Even if my infertility was magically cured, I couldn't pretend to be happy about parenthood, and that would ruin it for him.
In my dream I went to take a bath, but I couldn't get the water to stop draining unless I left the water running- leaving the choice of No Water or Too Much Water.

I was panicked, I woke up panicked, I couldn't tell what was real, what wasn't. DH assured me he hadn't changed his mind, but I couldn't shake the feeling of dread I had- I knew I didn't want children anymore, but I certainly didn't want to lose DH, and I didn't want to keep him from having something he wanted. Eventually my mind cleared, I was happy to realize it was just a dream, but intrigued by the whole Bridge/Water dream imagery. Bridges and water have long figured into my dreams, and from what I've read the dreams of many others. I cherish my bridge/water dreams. Even the ones that leave me panicked. They have been linked to many major issues in my life. To me they usually signify the eventual resolution of an issue, like a ritual blessing or something. And I know that his responses to my questions in the dream are only my biggest fears, not his true feelings...

This dream did show me 2 things: DH's reaction to the dream proves to me that he is not feeling any regret. And my reaction in the dream is in line with my real-life reaction, I do not want children.

In other news...
I stumbled on This Article yesterday and found it very interesting. An unexpected layer of guilt...