How Long...
In the comments of my last post, Donna asked how long it took for me stop feeling like a childless mother. I really don't know and I don't know what it was that got me there. Except I was tired of being tired and sad. Tired of wanting. I saw the days passing by me, and I didn't want to look back and see them all spent wishing for what I didn't have.
If I had a baby girl, I would want her to grow up to be happy, and if she couldn't have the life that she desired or planned, I would want her to find happiness anyway. Why should we want any less for ourselves? (I think that we may all occasionally need to remind ourselves that happiness does not do disservice to our pain. Being happy doesn't mean that we didn't hurt enough, that the failure didn't matter. More important than doing justice to our pain and our failures is doing justice to our lives. Has infertility not taught us how precious life is? Not being able to produce a life when we try so hard is terrible, but squandering a life that is already here it worse.)
Donna also posted about Aeon Flux, and how infertility is involved in the story. I haven't seen that movie, but I whenever I see a copy of The Handmaid's Tale, I think about what my life would be like if I lived in that book. I would not be a very good handmaid, I would probably be sent to work in the radiation fields or the brothels... It depressed me. The book is pretty depressing, to think that our culture could become so twisted, to think that ANY woman would be valued only for her ability to reproduce, and knowing that in the book, the one thing that seems to matter is among the things that I am unable to do makes me feel a little empty and without value. I don't like knowing that it is the one test (in the book) that matters and I am certain to fail it, that I would basically have no value.
BUT I do not live in that book, I live here, now, and in my culture, my marriage, my family, my life, this is not the one test that matters.
If I had a baby girl, I would want her to grow up to be happy, and if she couldn't have the life that she desired or planned, I would want her to find happiness anyway. Why should we want any less for ourselves? (I think that we may all occasionally need to remind ourselves that happiness does not do disservice to our pain. Being happy doesn't mean that we didn't hurt enough, that the failure didn't matter. More important than doing justice to our pain and our failures is doing justice to our lives. Has infertility not taught us how precious life is? Not being able to produce a life when we try so hard is terrible, but squandering a life that is already here it worse.)
Donna also posted about Aeon Flux, and how infertility is involved in the story. I haven't seen that movie, but I whenever I see a copy of The Handmaid's Tale, I think about what my life would be like if I lived in that book. I would not be a very good handmaid, I would probably be sent to work in the radiation fields or the brothels... It depressed me. The book is pretty depressing, to think that our culture could become so twisted, to think that ANY woman would be valued only for her ability to reproduce, and knowing that in the book, the one thing that seems to matter is among the things that I am unable to do makes me feel a little empty and without value. I don't like knowing that it is the one test (in the book) that matters and I am certain to fail it, that I would basically have no value.
BUT I do not live in that book, I live here, now, and in my culture, my marriage, my family, my life, this is not the one test that matters.
posted by Rooshie at 17:48
2 Comments:
Interesting post. Although its true that my infertility doesn't form the essence of my worth as a woman or a person, my problem is when I pile on all the other (perceived) failures, I don't feel like I am a very good wife, daughter, sister, aunt or friend. And that DOES wear on me sometimes.
Hey, I'm a freelance journalist working on a story about people who don't have kids yet own mini-vans (no, you're not alone). Do you think I could ask you a few questions about your purchase? If interested, email me: msmilanese@yahoo.com.
Thanks!
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