Enjoy it While You Can... And Other Stuff.
"Enjoy it while you can." This is one of the more common things that people say to us when we tell them we don't have children. It is really beginning to bug me! For one, it implies that they aren't entirely happy with the choice they have made. Also, it assumes that there is going to be a point when our state of having no children will come to an end. When we were trying to conceive, this was hurtful- it made it sound like we just weren't appreciating the fact that we were infertile, and if the tables were turned they would be smart enough to really take advantage of shriveled ovaries or a low sperm count... Now that we're not trying, I resent when people don't bother to check if we even want children, they just assume, naturally, that we will be having children. Hence the "Enjoy it while you can." I guess I just think it is lazy (in that it is easier than actually asking...) and egotistical (in that they can't imagine someone choosing differently than they did).
This excerpt from Daddy Dilemma, ( from "Maybe Baby: 28 Writers Tell the Truth About Skepticism, Infertility, Baby Lust, Childlessness, Ambivalence, and How They Made the Biggest Decision of Their Lives," edited by Lori Leibovich) is very interesting! The excerpt is at Salon, so if you aren't a member you will probably have to watch a short add to read the entire thing, but if the question of having children is of any interest to you, I think it is well worth it.
Among the things I found interesting:
"If she and my father have raised me right, the idea of starting a family should be an attractive option." Well, I think this is interesting because it touches on a sore spot for me: the assumption some people make that if you don't want kids it must be because you're screwed up somehow, or had a crappy childhood or have a history of abuse. Well, got news for ya: you are going to find people who fit that description that are parents and that aren't, that are great parents and that are crappy parents. And completely well-adjusted and trauma-free adults who have decided not to have children...
He goes on to discuss that he is the last male in the family line, which is exactly what my DH is, the last one with our particular last name in his direct family chain. This is something the author considers, so it makes me wonder if it is something that my DH considers as well, or worse, something that will lead to regret...
And later: "Besides all the good press, it's a big life experience, arguably the biggest. You don't go to DisneyWorld without riding Space Mountain, right?" What I find interesting here is partly "all the good press" part--- I wholeheartedly agree- there is a LOT OF GOOD PRESS for parenthood- in billboards proclaiming it to be the most important job in the world, friends and family asking with an encouraging smile when the babies are coming... There is a lot of good press out there, and I for one think that it has its place. I consider it to be propaganda to some degree- but necessary propaganda... and a double-edged sword. One the one hand, it may encourage some mothers to take the job a little more seriously, to not be cavalier in their child-raising decisions. On the other hand, I can see how a young girl (or even not young) who is feeling empty and searching for something that means something could see this as the answer to all of her problems (mistakenly, I believe)- "My life is empty, but if I get pregnant and have a baby, I will have THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD. I will be important and doted on, and get lots of attention...", she may think. Well, anyway, the press is out there, regardless. The other part that strikes me is the whole "Big Life Experience" thing, because it has crossed my mind as well. But then I think that, well, we can't all experience everything in this life. And running to get in line for a ride because everyone else seems to be in that line is a stupid reason to get in the line...
And this: "Would a child make me see what's really important?" I have heard sooooo many people say "A child changes your life..." or "I was a self-absorbed asshole until I became a father", etc. but I think that is bullshit, and I think that there are multitudes of crappy parents out there who still think having another drink is more important than doing an iota of parenting. Becoming a parent may refocus you, but I don't believe it automatically makes you a good person. And anyone who argues differently hasn't turned on the news lately. Good people become parents, bad people become parents, but parenthood doesn't just flip the switch... (and I'd like to point out that the author of this article doesn't say that it does, it is just another thing that he considers in the whole baby question... And something that I have considered as well.) I do believe that becoming a parent is like nothing else, it can 'change' you because you are taking on a new role. But I resent when people imply that it somehow automatically elevates parents to a moral or emotional level that non-parents cannot ever achieve.
I love this: "Despite the social pressure to procreate, studies show that people with children are exactly as happy as people without children. Happiness comes in many varieties." Indeed, happiness does come in many varieties. I want to get this tattooed on my breast, right beside my heart. Not just to remind others (ok, so I would have to get it somewhere else, my breast doesn't make many public appearances... But I could jerk open my shirt whenever I felt someone needed to be reminded...) but to remind myself. When we were TTC and so miserable, I thought the only way to find my way back to happiness would be motherhood. And that just isn't so.
He continues to make some good observations about how our decisions can make others defensive about their decisions, and how our choices can make others feel resentful when they do not have a choice in the matter... something I have thought about a lot, have tried to articulate in some blog drafts, may eventually get to make enough sense to post...
In another article about the Parenting Decision is The Flip Flop . It is a short article, and I choose to think of it as her personal story and nothing more, the story of how she and her husband went from being Childfree to being parents. But near the end of her article I have a hard time overlooking this: "My larger point is this: We almost made a huge mistake. " and then later a cautionary tale of friends who went the other way: "What if we'd been the husband and wife in my cautionary tale, a true one, about a childless couple who stuck to their guns? They spearheaded a support group called Nonparents Anonymous and were quoted in the Globe decades ago describing the freedom, the spontaneity, the money saved, the creativity nurtured, blah blah blah. Today, I know through mutual friends, they are divorced. But not just divorced; divorced and furious. She claims he ruined her life with his non-parent nonsense. He says it's her own damn fault. She left town, post-menopausal, never to be heard from again. He's single, eligible, and searching for a wife of childbearing age." This is how her article ends, with their angry, furious divorce, and utter misery and blaming; her leaving town "post-menopausal" and with no chance, him searching for someone to bear the children he spent decades not wanting. As if it is because they didn't have children that they are divorced and miserable. As if the writer, Elinor Lipman, and her husband were destined for a miserable divorce and furiousness had they not 'flip-flopped' and had their son. As if children keep marriages together, or should. I understand the impulse to compare/contrast our lives with those of others to bolster a decision we have made, but I hope we all realize that it isn't that easy, a true scientist would scoff at these pathetic samples and ridiculous cause and effect conclusions we come to!
This excerpt from Daddy Dilemma, ( from "Maybe Baby: 28 Writers Tell the Truth About Skepticism, Infertility, Baby Lust, Childlessness, Ambivalence, and How They Made the Biggest Decision of Their Lives," edited by Lori Leibovich) is very interesting! The excerpt is at Salon, so if you aren't a member you will probably have to watch a short add to read the entire thing, but if the question of having children is of any interest to you, I think it is well worth it.
Among the things I found interesting:
"If she and my father have raised me right, the idea of starting a family should be an attractive option." Well, I think this is interesting because it touches on a sore spot for me: the assumption some people make that if you don't want kids it must be because you're screwed up somehow, or had a crappy childhood or have a history of abuse. Well, got news for ya: you are going to find people who fit that description that are parents and that aren't, that are great parents and that are crappy parents. And completely well-adjusted and trauma-free adults who have decided not to have children...
He goes on to discuss that he is the last male in the family line, which is exactly what my DH is, the last one with our particular last name in his direct family chain. This is something the author considers, so it makes me wonder if it is something that my DH considers as well, or worse, something that will lead to regret...
And later: "Besides all the good press, it's a big life experience, arguably the biggest. You don't go to DisneyWorld without riding Space Mountain, right?" What I find interesting here is partly "all the good press" part--- I wholeheartedly agree- there is a LOT OF GOOD PRESS for parenthood- in billboards proclaiming it to be the most important job in the world, friends and family asking with an encouraging smile when the babies are coming... There is a lot of good press out there, and I for one think that it has its place. I consider it to be propaganda to some degree- but necessary propaganda... and a double-edged sword. One the one hand, it may encourage some mothers to take the job a little more seriously, to not be cavalier in their child-raising decisions. On the other hand, I can see how a young girl (or even not young) who is feeling empty and searching for something that means something could see this as the answer to all of her problems (mistakenly, I believe)- "My life is empty, but if I get pregnant and have a baby, I will have THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD. I will be important and doted on, and get lots of attention...", she may think. Well, anyway, the press is out there, regardless. The other part that strikes me is the whole "Big Life Experience" thing, because it has crossed my mind as well. But then I think that, well, we can't all experience everything in this life. And running to get in line for a ride because everyone else seems to be in that line is a stupid reason to get in the line...
And this: "Would a child make me see what's really important?" I have heard sooooo many people say "A child changes your life..." or "I was a self-absorbed asshole until I became a father", etc. but I think that is bullshit, and I think that there are multitudes of crappy parents out there who still think having another drink is more important than doing an iota of parenting. Becoming a parent may refocus you, but I don't believe it automatically makes you a good person. And anyone who argues differently hasn't turned on the news lately. Good people become parents, bad people become parents, but parenthood doesn't just flip the switch... (and I'd like to point out that the author of this article doesn't say that it does, it is just another thing that he considers in the whole baby question... And something that I have considered as well.) I do believe that becoming a parent is like nothing else, it can 'change' you because you are taking on a new role. But I resent when people imply that it somehow automatically elevates parents to a moral or emotional level that non-parents cannot ever achieve.
I love this: "Despite the social pressure to procreate, studies show that people with children are exactly as happy as people without children. Happiness comes in many varieties." Indeed, happiness does come in many varieties. I want to get this tattooed on my breast, right beside my heart. Not just to remind others (ok, so I would have to get it somewhere else, my breast doesn't make many public appearances... But I could jerk open my shirt whenever I felt someone needed to be reminded...) but to remind myself. When we were TTC and so miserable, I thought the only way to find my way back to happiness would be motherhood. And that just isn't so.
He continues to make some good observations about how our decisions can make others defensive about their decisions, and how our choices can make others feel resentful when they do not have a choice in the matter... something I have thought about a lot, have tried to articulate in some blog drafts, may eventually get to make enough sense to post...
In another article about the Parenting Decision is The Flip Flop . It is a short article, and I choose to think of it as her personal story and nothing more, the story of how she and her husband went from being Childfree to being parents. But near the end of her article I have a hard time overlooking this: "My larger point is this: We almost made a huge mistake. " and then later a cautionary tale of friends who went the other way: "What if we'd been the husband and wife in my cautionary tale, a true one, about a childless couple who stuck to their guns? They spearheaded a support group called Nonparents Anonymous and were quoted in the Globe decades ago describing the freedom, the spontaneity, the money saved, the creativity nurtured, blah blah blah. Today, I know through mutual friends, they are divorced. But not just divorced; divorced and furious. She claims he ruined her life with his non-parent nonsense. He says it's her own damn fault. She left town, post-menopausal, never to be heard from again. He's single, eligible, and searching for a wife of childbearing age." This is how her article ends, with their angry, furious divorce, and utter misery and blaming; her leaving town "post-menopausal" and with no chance, him searching for someone to bear the children he spent decades not wanting. As if it is because they didn't have children that they are divorced and miserable. As if the writer, Elinor Lipman, and her husband were destined for a miserable divorce and furiousness had they not 'flip-flopped' and had their son. As if children keep marriages together, or should. I understand the impulse to compare/contrast our lives with those of others to bolster a decision we have made, but I hope we all realize that it isn't that easy, a true scientist would scoff at these pathetic samples and ridiculous cause and effect conclusions we come to!
posted by Rooshie at 17:10
1 Comments:
Thanks for posting about this, I just read the whole article and the follow-up. You've made some excellent points. I'm still struggling somewhat with my failure to conceive, but I HATE when people get that sad look in their eyes when you tell them you don't/can't have children, like you have cancer and are about to die. Although its true I've never met a parent who would say out loud that they wish they never had their kids (my mother excluded), I hear all the time about how they wish they had the trappings back of a child-free life. They want their cake and eat it too. The current celebrity baby boom is fueling the fantasy that you can have a baby and continue on with your life as before, since they can afford to have others raise their kids for them. I'm rambling...again, thanks for this post, you obviously made me think.
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