What to Say?
I have had 2 more interesting little conversations at a party recently. First, talking to a young mother (mother of a 21 month old, step-mother of 2 under the age of 6) I had just met, and 2 mothers I knew, we were discussing children and behavior and discipline. I contributed somewhat, but then said "Of course, I don't have children, so feel free to disregard that..." and the one I had just met said "Oh, you don't have children?" "No." "Do you want them?" "No, we don't." End of that! She smiled and said something along the lines of "Good for you." She obviously had no problem with it and I found this to be very nice, we were having a conversation, she didn't make any assumptions, she asked nicely... All good.
Later, same party- a slightly older couple (and by this I mean mid-forties to mid-fifties, so merely older than us, not OLD...) approached, we chatted. Third question out of her mouth to me "How many children do you have?" (she loses points already for making the assumption that we have kids...) "None." So she follows with "Oh! Newlyweds!" "No, we've been married nearly 10 years." "OH." (and here is where she got that compassionate gaze...) "Well, we had been married 9 years before we were able to have children, too. In fact, it was applying for adoption that finally got us relaxed enough to get pregnant with our own. The same day they called about processing our adoption application I found out I was pregnant with our first, and I was pregnant with our second four months after the first was born. So don't worry, it can happen!"
I said "We actually don't plan to have children." But she gave me that look- that look of disbelief and a little bit of disgust, and here is where I failed myself. . I backpeddled a little. "We did initially, and we did our share of trying and infertility treatments, but we've changed our minds now and don't plan to have children."
"Well," she said, "that is when it will happen, now that you're not trying so hard."
At which point I felt it necessary to share our contraceptive measures. Rather embarrassing for all involved.
Now, on her part, she made several errors: 1) she assumed we had kids. 2) then she assumed we were newlyweds, despite the fact that not long ago she was also married 9 years with no children. 3) she then assumed we were trying to have kids, and never bothered to ask... 4) she broke the cardinal rule of infertiles everywhere: she told me to relax. She credited the adoption application with her pregnancy (yeah, right, the paperwork knocked you up, your husband had nothing to do with it.) 5) she looked disgusted at our choice. 6) she still pushed the motherhood thing, which made me feel like explaining that we hadn't merely stopped testing for pregnancy every few days, but that we were actually doing all in our power to prevent any pregnancy.
But I made tactical errors as well. I should have simply said as soon as she launched into the "Oh, it will happen, don't give up..." thing "No, we don't plan to have children, we are a family of two and intend to stay that way." Or something like that. There is no need to defend my CF-ness with our past infertility, it shouldn't even have to come up. Sure, it is part of my past, and as such it will eventually come up with friends, something I can share eventually, but this woman has no need to have that information. If she thinks less of me because we don't plan to have children, and doesn't even wait to get to know me to decide what kind of person I am, then she doesn't deserve the extra info anyway!
So, my new plan is to answer questions simply and directly, offer no extra information until there is a relationship. It isn't my problem if they don't feel comfortable. If they ask "Do you have children" I will answer "No." or "No, we do not plan to have children."
Later, same party- a slightly older couple (and by this I mean mid-forties to mid-fifties, so merely older than us, not OLD...) approached, we chatted. Third question out of her mouth to me "How many children do you have?" (she loses points already for making the assumption that we have kids...) "None." So she follows with "Oh! Newlyweds!" "No, we've been married nearly 10 years." "OH." (and here is where she got that compassionate gaze...) "Well, we had been married 9 years before we were able to have children, too. In fact, it was applying for adoption that finally got us relaxed enough to get pregnant with our own. The same day they called about processing our adoption application I found out I was pregnant with our first, and I was pregnant with our second four months after the first was born. So don't worry, it can happen!"
I said "We actually don't plan to have children." But she gave me that look- that look of disbelief and a little bit of disgust, and here is where I failed myself. . I backpeddled a little. "We did initially, and we did our share of trying and infertility treatments, but we've changed our minds now and don't plan to have children."
"Well," she said, "that is when it will happen, now that you're not trying so hard."
At which point I felt it necessary to share our contraceptive measures. Rather embarrassing for all involved.
Now, on her part, she made several errors: 1) she assumed we had kids. 2) then she assumed we were newlyweds, despite the fact that not long ago she was also married 9 years with no children. 3) she then assumed we were trying to have kids, and never bothered to ask... 4) she broke the cardinal rule of infertiles everywhere: she told me to relax. She credited the adoption application with her pregnancy (yeah, right, the paperwork knocked you up, your husband had nothing to do with it.) 5) she looked disgusted at our choice. 6) she still pushed the motherhood thing, which made me feel like explaining that we hadn't merely stopped testing for pregnancy every few days, but that we were actually doing all in our power to prevent any pregnancy.
But I made tactical errors as well. I should have simply said as soon as she launched into the "Oh, it will happen, don't give up..." thing "No, we don't plan to have children, we are a family of two and intend to stay that way." Or something like that. There is no need to defend my CF-ness with our past infertility, it shouldn't even have to come up. Sure, it is part of my past, and as such it will eventually come up with friends, something I can share eventually, but this woman has no need to have that information. If she thinks less of me because we don't plan to have children, and doesn't even wait to get to know me to decide what kind of person I am, then she doesn't deserve the extra info anyway!
So, my new plan is to answer questions simply and directly, offer no extra information until there is a relationship. It isn't my problem if they don't feel comfortable. If they ask "Do you have children" I will answer "No." or "No, we do not plan to have children."
posted by Rooshie at 11:01
1 Comments:
Yeah it's always good to keep it simple, but sometimes, with some people - even though you know it's not going to do any good - you still go on and on. Wish I could keep my trap shut, but frquently the bitterness just comes out anyway.
Nonetheless, it's good to see that some folks are getting it!
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