Childfree In the News...

So, there is CF news everywhere! First of all, Dear Prudence answered a question from a engaged childfree woman who was asking how to handle the questions. Truthfully, her answer didn't bother me that much. Really the only problem was advising the writer to allow that with a big change like marriage she may change her mind. And since she wrote to an advice column, advice should be expected. True, it wasn't the advice she asked for, but advice columnists tend to advise as they see fit... However, Dear Prudence (Emily Yoffe) received a ton of angry responses from CFer's and so she published this response to the CF response & it did bother me... First of all, when I opened the article, the title that my web page displays on the tab is "Why Childless People Hate Me. By Emily Yoffe". Then- she does the whole "I understand, I was once young and stupid, too, but I matured and realized what a dope I was and had a baby, please learn from my situation..." thing. She also gets on the responders for telling others of the benefits of a CF life, but to me it isn't any different than what she was doing to the original advice-seeker... And if someone is happy with a life choice, how can they hide it? Should they go around saying "Bah! This life I have chosen is CRAP! Pure CRAP, I tell you! Ignore this giant smile on my face! CRAP!" She asks why there is so much scorn for parenthood, but I can assure her that the scorn she speaks of is hardly a one way street. She offers herself as proof that children don't have to ruin a marriage, making me want to offer myself as proof that you don't have to have children to have a happy marriage. But why? Are we taking a survey and whichever side has more happy people wins? Well, if so, there are plenty of studies that tackle that very question.

I don't dread (or desire) a life with children, but I no longer dread a life without them. I guess my main problem with her response is that it is precisely the kind of attitude that made me an even more miserable infertile. I would hear things like that when we were trying and I would think that parenthood was my only chance at happiness, which just isn't the case. I just don't see where that kind of attitude leaves room for those who can't have children. Or those who choose not too. I just think we all ought to have room to make this choice without being lectured.

This has also been popping up a lot on the childfree sites as well, and what bugs me here is that the whole selfish/selfless argument-- all parents are selfless, all non-parents are selfish...

I have also come across a few books I'm interested in checking out: Baby Proof by Emily Giffen is one. I can't remember reading any of her other books, and I must admit that it doesn't seem like the type of fiction I would normally be drawn to. Maybe I just want to read it to see if the main character, a woman who does not want children, caves in when her husband changes his mind and decides he does want children. I don't think I'll buy it, but hopefully my library will have it. I just sincerely hope that it doesn't turn out to be the whole "career was first but now I see the error of my ways and know that motherhood is the only way to feel truly fulfilled" ending.

Another book that I am interested in is I Will Bear This Scar : Poems of Childless Women . At first I thought it might be too much a infertile/barren thing (which is fine, but not what I'm looking for) but after reading a few pages I saw things I could relate to. I wanted it to be not just about the pain of infertility/miscarriage/loss, but also about the rest- living without children. The poem "Apples and Oranges" by Lauri Rose was just what I was looking for to show me that the collection is worth looking into. This one I very well may buy. I'm not a lover of just any poetry collection, but this one seems to be one that may express things I feel but cannot quite put into words myself. (Speaking of poetry collections, my favorite of all time has to be Good Poems selected and introduced by Garrison Keiller.)