Clarification

Donna understandably suggested in her comment to my last post that I find nicer people to hang out with, but I feel like I need clarify: the uncomfortable conversations are almost exclusively with people I'm meeting for the first time-- and I'm not willing to stop going places and meeting new people (part of our CF change includes our desire to get out in the world more), and I understand a good deal of the questions and where they come from, I would say that 99% of the time they are just trying to find out more about me, that aren't trying to be snitty... So I just want to stop reacting so defensively. I have deep friendships now that started with stupid comments or questions, and not always by the other person... I am taking Donna's advice in that I'm not spending time with the people who continue to have an issue with our CF-ness (I've drastically cut down on my time with the SAHM's I used to socialize with), but I'm going to continue to meet new people and take a chance that they either won't say the wrong thing, or that if they do that it isn't a sign that they are jerks. At least until they prove otherwise... (And I'm still not certain that I'm not just reading too much into everything...)

Also, I'm not saying I get this from everyone, or that I get all of it from one encounter...

This reminds me of a post I read over at In A Holding Pattern recently titled "How To Converse with a SAHM"... I totally agree-- I want to get to know someone, and I don't want to offend, but sometimes the words come out before I realize how it might sound... I don't know if they are SAHM's or not, so how do I ask? Is it a hot button issue for that person? Well, I don't know, because I don't know them... I'm just getting to know them... SAHM's are like a whole 'nother world to me sometimes, like when I was in college and didn't join a sorority- I knew and even roomed with sorority girls, but there still was part of their world that seemed foreign to me...

So, going back to the previous post, while there are people who can be jerks, I'm talking about the people who are just trying to get to know me-- I think I can change the encounters by simply not jumping to the defense when I'm asked about our family... I'm the one coming home pissy, so I'm the only one who is suffering... and I'm the only one who can change that...

I can think of a 100 examples of this same thing playing out in other situations: "Oh, you're from FL? I went to college there, where did you go to college?" or "Where do you go to church" or "What does your husband do?" I can think of situations in which any of those would sting or make someone uncomfortable, like when my BIL was out of work- asking what someone 'does' is such a universal question- but it put them in an uncomfortable spot...

I think meeting new people is an interesting dance- each person trying find out enough about the other to understand them a little better, perhaps to classify them, and I think definitely to connect with them. You have kids? Me too! You went to Stanford? So did my husband! You're an accountant? I work in the accounts receivable department of my company... And I can't really blame people looking at me and making an educated guess that we probably have kids: we have a minivan, we have been married plenty long enough...

Also, I think it is amazing the wide variety of emotional response by different people to the same comment. I have a friend who is TTC for the first time in her life and is over 40. If someone were to say to her "Well, you've got kids-- you parent your pets" like someone said to me recently, she would say "Well, Hell Yeah! Damn straight I'm a parent to my pets." I would say "Nope, not even close to the same thing. I'm not a parent, I'm a pet owner." So what would score point with her does the opposite with me...