Defending The Decision
My mom has been really good for the past year or so about not even asking about our plans, not even blinking when we say we aren't going to be parents, but today she broke her silence-- I don't remember what we were talking about, but somehow children were involved and she just blurted out "You need to have some!"
She has gone now, but I'm still thinking about it. The problem is, she had good points, points that I sometimes consider.
The truth is I don't know if we're making the right decision.
The truth is I don't know that we won't regret it.
I of course like any good CFer pointed out that there was no guarantee that I wouldn't regret it if we did have children either... She said "I've never heard of anyone regretting it!" and I answered "OH Please! Look around! There are mothers beating their children, abandoning them, treating them like crap. You think they don't regret it?" But she pointed out, and she's right, that she may know of these women, but she doesn't know them. And both of us find it highly unlikely that I would become that kind of mother...
She had me on the verge of tears when she talked about the joys she experienced raising us, reading in bed during our afternoon naps, going to the beach every summer... I was a terrible teenager, but she pointed out that we have a wonderful relationship now and I wouldn't get that (Yes, I pointed out that having children was no guarantee of a good relationship with them as adults...). Then she played her trump card: "Can you imagine what your father's life would be like without you?" He and I are very close and enjoy each other a lot... That was a hard one to consider, and had the added weight of the guilt I sometimes feel that I may be depriving my husband of something that could be so good.
She offered money for treatment, but I keep telling her that it isn't even remotely about the money, and it isn't.
At one point, I told her that if we decided to have kids we would really try to have kids, but as long as we stayed with the decision not to have kids, we weren't going to be taking any chances, reproductively speaking... (I think she had said something about leaving it in God's hands...) I just wanted her to know that we weren't going to just 'see what happens'. But she grabbed hold of the 'really try' part and said "Well, I'm glad to hear that you will REALLY TRY." I couldn't help myself, I had to point out that we had "REALLY TRIED" before, our efforts had not been half-hearted.
The truth is, conversations like this leave me a little emotionally exhausted. I know that we have made the decision not because of a lack of money or because of the taxing treatments or even because of the terrible disappointments. But I feel like I've lost my footing, and while I can still tell you factors that did not influence our decision not to have children, I have a harder time putting my finger on the factors that did influence our decision. Other than it just felt right at the time.
I have alluded to my epiphany when I was diagnosed with cancer and that it was like there was a voice and a gentle hand steering me away from motherhood and whispering in my ear "No, I have a different plan for you. Don't make me tell you again." And sometimes I use that as my crutch- it wasn't my decision, it was ordained by GOD. But was it? And even if it was, was it a permanent thing or temporary? Should I be checking in with him periodically to see if the plan has changed?
But back to the crutch- it is hard to argue with a message from God-- when I tell people that this is a decision that I was led to, that it was like a voice in my ear, I'm not lying. But I haven't heard that voice in a while, and really I usually bring it up because I can't come up with any decent reasons on my own. None that pass muster with the masses, anyway.
I asked my DH the other day "What would you say if L (a friend of his who had recently told me that he thought it was high time we expanded our family. I told him we weren't going to have children, but didn't elaborate.) asked why we weren't going to have children?" He said he would just say that we're happy as we are, just the 2 of us." Pretty simplistic answer, but doesn't hold water if you ask me. Who's to say would wouldn't be happy as 3? Or 4? Or more? I don't know why, but giving that answer makes me feel selfish, although I don't guess it should.
The truth is, after that debate with my mother, I feel the need to explore our reasons for not having children. And what it may mean for our future. (... to be continued in another post.)
She has gone now, but I'm still thinking about it. The problem is, she had good points, points that I sometimes consider.
The truth is I don't know if we're making the right decision.
The truth is I don't know that we won't regret it.
I of course like any good CFer pointed out that there was no guarantee that I wouldn't regret it if we did have children either... She said "I've never heard of anyone regretting it!" and I answered "OH Please! Look around! There are mothers beating their children, abandoning them, treating them like crap. You think they don't regret it?" But she pointed out, and she's right, that she may know of these women, but she doesn't know them. And both of us find it highly unlikely that I would become that kind of mother...
She had me on the verge of tears when she talked about the joys she experienced raising us, reading in bed during our afternoon naps, going to the beach every summer... I was a terrible teenager, but she pointed out that we have a wonderful relationship now and I wouldn't get that (Yes, I pointed out that having children was no guarantee of a good relationship with them as adults...). Then she played her trump card: "Can you imagine what your father's life would be like without you?" He and I are very close and enjoy each other a lot... That was a hard one to consider, and had the added weight of the guilt I sometimes feel that I may be depriving my husband of something that could be so good.
She offered money for treatment, but I keep telling her that it isn't even remotely about the money, and it isn't.
At one point, I told her that if we decided to have kids we would really try to have kids, but as long as we stayed with the decision not to have kids, we weren't going to be taking any chances, reproductively speaking... (I think she had said something about leaving it in God's hands...) I just wanted her to know that we weren't going to just 'see what happens'. But she grabbed hold of the 'really try' part and said "Well, I'm glad to hear that you will REALLY TRY." I couldn't help myself, I had to point out that we had "REALLY TRIED" before, our efforts had not been half-hearted.
The truth is, conversations like this leave me a little emotionally exhausted. I know that we have made the decision not because of a lack of money or because of the taxing treatments or even because of the terrible disappointments. But I feel like I've lost my footing, and while I can still tell you factors that did not influence our decision not to have children, I have a harder time putting my finger on the factors that did influence our decision. Other than it just felt right at the time.
I have alluded to my epiphany when I was diagnosed with cancer and that it was like there was a voice and a gentle hand steering me away from motherhood and whispering in my ear "No, I have a different plan for you. Don't make me tell you again." And sometimes I use that as my crutch- it wasn't my decision, it was ordained by GOD. But was it? And even if it was, was it a permanent thing or temporary? Should I be checking in with him periodically to see if the plan has changed?
But back to the crutch- it is hard to argue with a message from God-- when I tell people that this is a decision that I was led to, that it was like a voice in my ear, I'm not lying. But I haven't heard that voice in a while, and really I usually bring it up because I can't come up with any decent reasons on my own. None that pass muster with the masses, anyway.
I asked my DH the other day "What would you say if L (a friend of his who had recently told me that he thought it was high time we expanded our family. I told him we weren't going to have children, but didn't elaborate.) asked why we weren't going to have children?" He said he would just say that we're happy as we are, just the 2 of us." Pretty simplistic answer, but doesn't hold water if you ask me. Who's to say would wouldn't be happy as 3? Or 4? Or more? I don't know why, but giving that answer makes me feel selfish, although I don't guess it should.
The truth is, after that debate with my mother, I feel the need to explore our reasons for not having children. And what it may mean for our future. (... to be continued in another post.)
posted by Rooshie at 12:13
1 Comments:
In a more recent post you suggest that you need to get your head straight on a few things - from what I can see, I think you're right, and I truly hope you find happiness at some point in the future no matter which life path you choose to follow.
However, one thing which struck me as something which needs to be investigated fully is your mother's insistence at your having a child. What is influencing her with this pressure? Why does she think YOU *need* children? Is it that she doesn't think you are/can be happy without them - does she know you better than you know yourself? Or does your mother have issues of her own which haven't been resolved? Is it her that needs a grandchild in all honesty? (As is the motivator for my own mother's kid-centric feelings.) I think you need to look at her behaviour more closely and find out where this is all coming from. Just an idea to consider; apologies if that's presumptuous in any way, it's not meant to be.
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