Not Always Easy...
I don't like admitting uncertainty out loud, but here it goes:
Most of the time I'm feeling good about being CF, but other times I'm feeling a little more Childless than Childfree... This past week I was feeling... Lonely... Which eventually led me to rethinking the parenthood question. Basically, I was at a loss as to what to do with all of my time. I have tons of time alone. I work alone, so I'm home alone while my husband is at the office. Sometimes he isn't at the office, he is on business trips, so my hours alone jump from about 50 a week to all of them a week. I do have hobbies, but many of them are also solitary hobbies. I do have friends, but they are from various places and parts of my life, and I guess pretty much all of them have kids, meaning it isn't easy for them to drop everything to hang out, or even to plan ahead to hang out. So, in a lonely mood, I started thinking about motherhood and how fulfilling it may be... and then I eventually realized that what I was looking for wasn't necessarily fulfillment- I was looking for something to fill my days so I wouldn't fill so aimless. Maybe aimless and unfulfilled are connected, but that doesn't mean I should be a mom...
Anyway, it isn't easy for me to admit that I'm not always sure about being Childfree. I also have a hard time deciding how to define myself to myself, mostly because it changes. The infertile part of me- the part that still mourns the losses- feels Childless, but the other part of me, the part that feels happy to have stumbled into a life that has given us so much feels lucky and Childfree. Some days one side is louder than the other, sometimes one side disappears altogether... This is a choice for us, a choice to not try anymore and not to adopt and a choice that is only available because of infertility. Holding onto the Childless label makes me feel a little bit like I'm not embracing life or the decision to not have kids... All in all I would rather feel Childfree than Childless, because Childfree feels happier, Childless feels a bit like a burden, but I guess I'm a bit of both. Life isn't all happy all the time anyway. I've been searching for simple concise answers to the questions in life, but few things are simple.
Most of the time I'm feeling good about being CF, but other times I'm feeling a little more Childless than Childfree... This past week I was feeling... Lonely... Which eventually led me to rethinking the parenthood question. Basically, I was at a loss as to what to do with all of my time. I have tons of time alone. I work alone, so I'm home alone while my husband is at the office. Sometimes he isn't at the office, he is on business trips, so my hours alone jump from about 50 a week to all of them a week. I do have hobbies, but many of them are also solitary hobbies. I do have friends, but they are from various places and parts of my life, and I guess pretty much all of them have kids, meaning it isn't easy for them to drop everything to hang out, or even to plan ahead to hang out. So, in a lonely mood, I started thinking about motherhood and how fulfilling it may be... and then I eventually realized that what I was looking for wasn't necessarily fulfillment- I was looking for something to fill my days so I wouldn't fill so aimless. Maybe aimless and unfulfilled are connected, but that doesn't mean I should be a mom...
Anyway, it isn't easy for me to admit that I'm not always sure about being Childfree. I also have a hard time deciding how to define myself to myself, mostly because it changes. The infertile part of me- the part that still mourns the losses- feels Childless, but the other part of me, the part that feels happy to have stumbled into a life that has given us so much feels lucky and Childfree. Some days one side is louder than the other, sometimes one side disappears altogether... This is a choice for us, a choice to not try anymore and not to adopt and a choice that is only available because of infertility. Holding onto the Childless label makes me feel a little bit like I'm not embracing life or the decision to not have kids... All in all I would rather feel Childfree than Childless, because Childfree feels happier, Childless feels a bit like a burden, but I guess I'm a bit of both. Life isn't all happy all the time anyway. I've been searching for simple concise answers to the questions in life, but few things are simple.
posted by Rooshie at 16:35
1 Comments:
I too find the line between childless and childfree gets blurry sometimes. I try not to put a label on it or try to explain (even to myself) what my circumstances are, other than we are simply a family of two. One thing that does bother me is I find it really hard to engage fully with our best friend's son, even though I've known him since the day he was born and he's 5 now. He's the only small child that is a constant in my life, but something in me shuts down a little bit (sometimes a lot) when I'm around him. I guess that pain is still not far from the surface.
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