A Mother's Love
I just read A Feminist's' comment about my mother's interest in me having a child:
First of all, I do not consider it presumptuous, it is a good thought and something that I need to consider.
I have a pretty great relationship with my mother in nearly all areas. In this one area we don't always agree, but to be fair she really doesn't insist we have kids (when I quoted her as saying "You need to have kids", I left out the fact that she was grinning from ear to ear, not actually demanding that we have kids...), she just doesn't want us to take the decision lightly. She loves being a mom and she loved every single thing about raising us. She also loves being a grandmother and would of course welcome more grandchildren. She also is just as human as the rest of us and sometimes conversations with old friends can get her wondering about things. She recently talked to a very good friend after a year or two out of touch and the friend asked if there was any news from me, it probably got my mom thinking, maybe thinking about how good it would feel to say "Yes! She's due in...". I get that, I totally get that. I mean, really, it is just another version of the pressure I get sometimes from people I run into. Old high school friends that I see after years may ask if we have kids, old high school friends of my mom's will ask if she has any new grandchildren. It is just the way it is. My mom has always been supportive of my decisions, but she also sometimes asks the hard questions, just because she knows how bad it sucks to make a mistake simply because no one asked the hard questions. When she married very young no one asked any hard questions, and she did it simply because she thought it was the thing to do when your father had just passed away and your mother is grieving and your sister has moved away and had 2 babies and she just didn't want to be alone. So when I got engaged she asked "Are you certain?" enough and in enough ways to make others think that maybe she wasn't entirely on board. She was, but she didn't want a few years to pass and me to realize that I had done it for the wrong reasons. She also has seen me with kids, and she saw me grow up as one of those girls who mothered everything that came my way, living or not. You could not convince the 7 year old me that my stuffed animals and baby dolls were not alive and completely dependent on me for their care... Maybe she does know me better than I know myself.
So, to recap, Mom loves me a ton, she has had much joy in her life from us kids and wants to make sure we have thought about this a lot before we don't pursue something that has been without a doubt one of the top 2 most delightful things in her life (the other being marriage to my father, not the one she married too young and for the wrong reasons, but the one she married later for the right reasons...) Also, when I told her that we had thought about this (not having children) a lot and weren't taking it lightly she said "Fine, just wanted to make sure this wasn't a decision made out of fear or lack of finances or something like that." So I feel good about my mom's intent, what gives me trouble is the feelings that got stirred up when I was asked to think about life without children.
I guess what it boils down to is I am good with not having children- I am about 74% childfree. Sometimes though I feel lonely (like my mother did when when she got married for the wrong reasons, I would guess) because my husband has been traveling a lot, and I work from home, so there are days when I don't see anyone until my husband walks in the door at night. And when he's gone for 5 days... I get a little lonely and the 26% gets louder... And my mother's questions and my loneliness collided last week.
I have realized a few things in the interim:
1. Last week I was thinking of this question as a Pass/Fail final exam that won't be graded until I check out of this life, but this week I remembered that it is just one subpart of the Essay Question of Life, a question that I will be answering until I check out of this life.
2. I need to make an appointment with my doctor to discuss other birth control options, this pill has me cycling through 3 moods every 4 weeks and that just ain't cool. There have to be other options that can keep me a little more emotionally stable. I didn't have this trouble when I wasn't on the pill...
3. I have managed to meet someone FINALLY in the statistical freak zone of the country who has infertility in their past. She is the mother of a 10 year old and we talked a long time about what it is like to be infertile, the stupid things people say, etc. Turns out the stupid things don't always stop after you have a child-- she is still getting versions of the same questions I get.
"one thing which struck me as something which needs to be investigated fully is your mother's insistence at your having a child. What is influencing her with this pressure? Why does she think YOU *need* children? Is it that she doesn't think you are/can be happy without them - does she know you better than you know yourself? Or does your mother have issues of her own which haven't been resolved? Is it her that needs a grandchild in all honesty? (As is the motivator for my own mother's kid-centric feelings.) I think you need to look at her behaviour more closely and find out where this is all coming from. Just an idea to consider; apologies if that's presumptuous in any way, it's not meant to be."
First of all, I do not consider it presumptuous, it is a good thought and something that I need to consider.
I have a pretty great relationship with my mother in nearly all areas. In this one area we don't always agree, but to be fair she really doesn't insist we have kids (when I quoted her as saying "You need to have kids", I left out the fact that she was grinning from ear to ear, not actually demanding that we have kids...), she just doesn't want us to take the decision lightly. She loves being a mom and she loved every single thing about raising us. She also loves being a grandmother and would of course welcome more grandchildren. She also is just as human as the rest of us and sometimes conversations with old friends can get her wondering about things. She recently talked to a very good friend after a year or two out of touch and the friend asked if there was any news from me, it probably got my mom thinking, maybe thinking about how good it would feel to say "Yes! She's due in...". I get that, I totally get that. I mean, really, it is just another version of the pressure I get sometimes from people I run into. Old high school friends that I see after years may ask if we have kids, old high school friends of my mom's will ask if she has any new grandchildren. It is just the way it is. My mom has always been supportive of my decisions, but she also sometimes asks the hard questions, just because she knows how bad it sucks to make a mistake simply because no one asked the hard questions. When she married very young no one asked any hard questions, and she did it simply because she thought it was the thing to do when your father had just passed away and your mother is grieving and your sister has moved away and had 2 babies and she just didn't want to be alone. So when I got engaged she asked "Are you certain?" enough and in enough ways to make others think that maybe she wasn't entirely on board. She was, but she didn't want a few years to pass and me to realize that I had done it for the wrong reasons. She also has seen me with kids, and she saw me grow up as one of those girls who mothered everything that came my way, living or not. You could not convince the 7 year old me that my stuffed animals and baby dolls were not alive and completely dependent on me for their care... Maybe she does know me better than I know myself.
So, to recap, Mom loves me a ton, she has had much joy in her life from us kids and wants to make sure we have thought about this a lot before we don't pursue something that has been without a doubt one of the top 2 most delightful things in her life (the other being marriage to my father, not the one she married too young and for the wrong reasons, but the one she married later for the right reasons...) Also, when I told her that we had thought about this (not having children) a lot and weren't taking it lightly she said "Fine, just wanted to make sure this wasn't a decision made out of fear or lack of finances or something like that." So I feel good about my mom's intent, what gives me trouble is the feelings that got stirred up when I was asked to think about life without children.
I guess what it boils down to is I am good with not having children- I am about 74% childfree. Sometimes though I feel lonely (like my mother did when when she got married for the wrong reasons, I would guess) because my husband has been traveling a lot, and I work from home, so there are days when I don't see anyone until my husband walks in the door at night. And when he's gone for 5 days... I get a little lonely and the 26% gets louder... And my mother's questions and my loneliness collided last week.
I have realized a few things in the interim:
1. Last week I was thinking of this question as a Pass/Fail final exam that won't be graded until I check out of this life, but this week I remembered that it is just one subpart of the Essay Question of Life, a question that I will be answering until I check out of this life.
2. I need to make an appointment with my doctor to discuss other birth control options, this pill has me cycling through 3 moods every 4 weeks and that just ain't cool. There have to be other options that can keep me a little more emotionally stable. I didn't have this trouble when I wasn't on the pill...
3. I have managed to meet someone FINALLY in the statistical freak zone of the country who has infertility in their past. She is the mother of a 10 year old and we talked a long time about what it is like to be infertile, the stupid things people say, etc. Turns out the stupid things don't always stop after you have a child-- she is still getting versions of the same questions I get.
posted by Rooshie at 15:04
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