Social Calculus
In the beginning childfree felt like an opportunity, but I haven't taken full advantage of it. Sometimes it feels easier to just have kids instead of pursuing the opportunities, Yes, an idiotic reason to have children. There is an effort involved in swimming against the tide, it isn't all joyful and can be quite isolating. Bottom Line: I want to be childfree, but I thought it would be easier. There is strength in numbers and I'm having a hard time finding any numbers. Sometimes it feels that the tide is swimming right past me, I'm not so much swimming against it as clinging to a rock while it rushes past. I need another stream. A stream with fewer childed swimmers.
A conversation with my MIL clarified something for me: the problem isn't the moms I know, and it isn't me. It is just a difference in where we are in life. And this: when I am with a person, in all likelihood we have something in common. And if we also like each other, or if we have nothing in common but like each other, then we'll be OK. But take a roomful of people who all have one thing in common, the one same thing, and throw in one person who has one thing, one different thing, in common with each person... (Like take a room full of people who all are members of the Sherlock Holmes Society and throw in one person who is not. The one person is from the same area as one person, has the same hairdresser as another, has the same kind of pet as a third... and so on.) Bottom line is the majority common interest rules. I need to hang out in a group where the unifying thread is not CHILDREN. It is Social Calculus, I am sure that formulas could be created to predict what ratios will result in what degree of uncomfortable-ness. These moms I hang out with (the ones I keep saying I'm going to stop hanging out with... but really, I may become a complete hermit were it not for the monthly gatherings...) are all good people, they just have a different focus. I am considering turning in my notice for the gatherings. True, there isn't anything else on my dance card, but maybe bowing out of this will give me the much needed kick in the ass to seek out other (better-suited) activities.
A conversation with my MIL clarified something for me: the problem isn't the moms I know, and it isn't me. It is just a difference in where we are in life. And this: when I am with a person, in all likelihood we have something in common. And if we also like each other, or if we have nothing in common but like each other, then we'll be OK. But take a roomful of people who all have one thing in common, the one same thing, and throw in one person who has one thing, one different thing, in common with each person... (Like take a room full of people who all are members of the Sherlock Holmes Society and throw in one person who is not. The one person is from the same area as one person, has the same hairdresser as another, has the same kind of pet as a third... and so on.) Bottom line is the majority common interest rules. I need to hang out in a group where the unifying thread is not CHILDREN. It is Social Calculus, I am sure that formulas could be created to predict what ratios will result in what degree of uncomfortable-ness. These moms I hang out with (the ones I keep saying I'm going to stop hanging out with... but really, I may become a complete hermit were it not for the monthly gatherings...) are all good people, they just have a different focus. I am considering turning in my notice for the gatherings. True, there isn't anything else on my dance card, but maybe bowing out of this will give me the much needed kick in the ass to seek out other (better-suited) activities.
posted by Rooshie at 10:42
1 Comments:
Yes, yes, yes, I am again nodding my head as I read your post. Yesterday I stopped by to visit a friend who has a 1 year-old and a 2 1/2 year-old, and I could barely get a word in edge-wise while she refereed her kids. I understood that, it was fine, but I know if I want to have a real conversation with her we have to get rid of the kids. She invited me to have dinner with her and two other Mom's, I declined. I will not subject myself to listening to others talk about their kids, and when I have a chance to talk, all they do is say how jealous they are of my life. That isn't a meaningful discourse.
I was feeling very stuck until I started taking horseback riding lessons. There, I have a new community of like-minded individuals and something to talk about. I also volunteer with my dog at seniors' centers, again, its about the dog and the discourse between me and the resident.
I hope you can find outlets for yourself. Take care.
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