Clarification

Donna understandably suggested in her comment to my last post that I find nicer people to hang out with, but I feel like I need clarify: the uncomfortable conversations are almost exclusively with people I'm meeting for the first time-- and I'm not willing to stop going places and meeting new people (part of our CF change includes our desire to get out in the world more), and I understand a good deal of the questions and where they come from, I would say that 99% of the time they are just trying to find out more about me, that aren't trying to be snitty... So I just want to stop reacting so defensively. I have deep friendships now that started with stupid comments or questions, and not always by the other person... I am taking Donna's advice in that I'm not spending time with the people who continue to have an issue with our CF-ness (I've drastically cut down on my time with the SAHM's I used to socialize with), but I'm going to continue to meet new people and take a chance that they either won't say the wrong thing, or that if they do that it isn't a sign that they are jerks. At least until they prove otherwise... (And I'm still not certain that I'm not just reading too much into everything...)

Also, I'm not saying I get this from everyone, or that I get all of it from one encounter...

This reminds me of a post I read over at In A Holding Pattern recently titled "How To Converse with a SAHM"... I totally agree-- I want to get to know someone, and I don't want to offend, but sometimes the words come out before I realize how it might sound... I don't know if they are SAHM's or not, so how do I ask? Is it a hot button issue for that person? Well, I don't know, because I don't know them... I'm just getting to know them... SAHM's are like a whole 'nother world to me sometimes, like when I was in college and didn't join a sorority- I knew and even roomed with sorority girls, but there still was part of their world that seemed foreign to me...

So, going back to the previous post, while there are people who can be jerks, I'm talking about the people who are just trying to get to know me-- I think I can change the encounters by simply not jumping to the defense when I'm asked about our family... I'm the one coming home pissy, so I'm the only one who is suffering... and I'm the only one who can change that...

I can think of a 100 examples of this same thing playing out in other situations: "Oh, you're from FL? I went to college there, where did you go to college?" or "Where do you go to church" or "What does your husband do?" I can think of situations in which any of those would sting or make someone uncomfortable, like when my BIL was out of work- asking what someone 'does' is such a universal question- but it put them in an uncomfortable spot...

I think meeting new people is an interesting dance- each person trying find out enough about the other to understand them a little better, perhaps to classify them, and I think definitely to connect with them. You have kids? Me too! You went to Stanford? So did my husband! You're an accountant? I work in the accounts receivable department of my company... And I can't really blame people looking at me and making an educated guess that we probably have kids: we have a minivan, we have been married plenty long enough...

Also, I think it is amazing the wide variety of emotional response by different people to the same comment. I have a friend who is TTC for the first time in her life and is over 40. If someone were to say to her "Well, you've got kids-- you parent your pets" like someone said to me recently, she would say "Well, Hell Yeah! Damn straight I'm a parent to my pets." I would say "Nope, not even close to the same thing. I'm not a parent, I'm a pet owner." So what would score point with her does the opposite with me...

More Random Stuff.

I have long been feeling that I would gladly not brag about all of the wonders of a CF life if only some of the parents I encounter would shut up about what they feel I am missing. And here I mean not only the "you don't know what you're missing, it is the most important and rewarding job on earth" lines, but also the "you just wait, when you have kids you'll lose that waistline forever/you'll really know what exhaustion is/you'll be broke" lines as well. But I've decided the change might as well start with me. I'm going to smile and explain our choice in 1 to 2 short sentences (something like "While we love children, we do not plan to have any.") and then smile. And listen. If they say "Oh, but you don't know what you're missing" I'll answer "You're right, I'm sure parenthood is amazing." If they say "Don't you like children?" I'll say "Yes, I love children." If they say "You'll regret it." I'll say "Perhaps." And smile. Well, maybe I'll say "Perhaps, but it is better than having them and regretting that." Anyway, I'm going to try to just stay on the positive, show the positive instead of talking about it.

Anyway, onward to other things:

I saw a blog recently that listed songs that had made a difference to the blogger (I thought it was Donna, but I couldn't find it just now...) and I thought I would do the same:

1. Feelin' Good performed by Nina Simone: This song makes my day, every day. I play in while I make my coffee and I try to meditate on the message- the promise of a new day, a celebration of freedom, the joy that can be found in the things around us... (BTW, when searching for the lyrics link, I found that the Pussycat Dolls have recorded this as well. Ugh. Nothing against them, I just wish they would stick with their usual stuff and leave songs this beautiful alone.)
2. Boats to Build by Guy Clark: This is the song that inspired me to start this blog and to really embrace life without children, it became my anthem for getting on with life. "Days, precious days, roll in and out like waves. I got boards to bend, I got planks to nail, I got charts to make, I got seas to sail." Like that great line from The Shawshank Redemption- "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (Again, this song has also been recorded by others, including Jimmy Buffet, whom I normally like as long as I'm halfway into a pitcher of margaritas or laying in a hammock at the lake, but to me his version of this song doesn't have the resonance of the Guy Clark's original recording.)

OK, that is it for now, because I really need to get back to work, but will try to continue the list in future posts. BTW, I did order I Will Bear This Scar and will post my thoughts on it when it comes.

Pregnancy News... (and no, it is not us)

Just last night I was thinking of what to do with the pregnancy & parenthood books that I have no reason to hang on to. Most of my friends are far enough into motherhood to not need "What to Expect When You're Expecting" or "Dr. Spock's Guide to Baby and Childcare". They are taking up valuable bookshelf real estate. Then tonight my cousin called to tell me his wife is pregnant. I considered for a minute packing them up and dropping them in the mail tomorrow, but I think she probably has gone out and bought every one of them (if I'm going to give them away I feel like I should probably give them to someone who can't buy every single thing their little heart desires...). Also, I wonder how a 10 week pregnant woman would feel about being the recipient of pregnancy/parenthood books from an infertile miscarrier-- would it be seen as a bad omen? Would she feel jinxed? (I don't think they would be a jinx, when I passed on my leftover IVF supplies the woman ended up with triplets.)

I asked all the questions you're supposed to ask- he told me that the doctor had told them that they have less than a 3% chance of miscarriage at this point and he said it with such a sneer in his voice. I didn't say "HA!" or anything like that, I think I said "That's wonderful!" but I was thinking "Ah, how naive." I know he thinks nothing can touch them, and I pray to God he's right.

He said his wife is taking advantage of the pregnancy, laying on the couch watching TV after work, asking him to get her a glass of water. I told him he should consider that he has no idea what it feels like to be pregnant and that it can be very draining. "I know," I told him, "I've been pregnant, it isn't always easy. Take care of her for a little while." They've been married about a year, and when I was at his wedding he joked that she was already talking about children and he was determined to wait several years (guess she won that one!) but tonight on the phone he pointed out that they weren't getting any younger (still both under 30...) and if they were going to have children they really needed to do it now, before it was too late... After all, he didn't want to be changing diapers when he was 50. Yes, he said that. (How long does he think that phase will last?) I do love my cousin, but he can be a dope sometimes...

Tonight I'm feeling hopeful for them, and I see such optimism in this news- I choose to see optimism. He comes from a not so great childhood and I think choosing marriage and parenthood after all that he has seen is a great leap of faith. Or defiance. Or denial. I hope that they are ready, that they won't recreate the pain of his childhood. Once again I feel no pang of jealousy, and I love the freedom from this emotion that I have had since making the CF decision.

I don't think I'll send them my books, I think I'll give them to a local charity that can put them to good use... I already passed on all of my Baby Name books, now it is time to clear out all the rest.

Childfree In the News...

So, there is CF news everywhere! First of all, Dear Prudence answered a question from a engaged childfree woman who was asking how to handle the questions. Truthfully, her answer didn't bother me that much. Really the only problem was advising the writer to allow that with a big change like marriage she may change her mind. And since she wrote to an advice column, advice should be expected. True, it wasn't the advice she asked for, but advice columnists tend to advise as they see fit... However, Dear Prudence (Emily Yoffe) received a ton of angry responses from CFer's and so she published this response to the CF response & it did bother me... First of all, when I opened the article, the title that my web page displays on the tab is "Why Childless People Hate Me. By Emily Yoffe". Then- she does the whole "I understand, I was once young and stupid, too, but I matured and realized what a dope I was and had a baby, please learn from my situation..." thing. She also gets on the responders for telling others of the benefits of a CF life, but to me it isn't any different than what she was doing to the original advice-seeker... And if someone is happy with a life choice, how can they hide it? Should they go around saying "Bah! This life I have chosen is CRAP! Pure CRAP, I tell you! Ignore this giant smile on my face! CRAP!" She asks why there is so much scorn for parenthood, but I can assure her that the scorn she speaks of is hardly a one way street. She offers herself as proof that children don't have to ruin a marriage, making me want to offer myself as proof that you don't have to have children to have a happy marriage. But why? Are we taking a survey and whichever side has more happy people wins? Well, if so, there are plenty of studies that tackle that very question.

I don't dread (or desire) a life with children, but I no longer dread a life without them. I guess my main problem with her response is that it is precisely the kind of attitude that made me an even more miserable infertile. I would hear things like that when we were trying and I would think that parenthood was my only chance at happiness, which just isn't the case. I just don't see where that kind of attitude leaves room for those who can't have children. Or those who choose not too. I just think we all ought to have room to make this choice without being lectured.

This has also been popping up a lot on the childfree sites as well, and what bugs me here is that the whole selfish/selfless argument-- all parents are selfless, all non-parents are selfish...

I have also come across a few books I'm interested in checking out: Baby Proof by Emily Giffen is one. I can't remember reading any of her other books, and I must admit that it doesn't seem like the type of fiction I would normally be drawn to. Maybe I just want to read it to see if the main character, a woman who does not want children, caves in when her husband changes his mind and decides he does want children. I don't think I'll buy it, but hopefully my library will have it. I just sincerely hope that it doesn't turn out to be the whole "career was first but now I see the error of my ways and know that motherhood is the only way to feel truly fulfilled" ending.

Another book that I am interested in is I Will Bear This Scar : Poems of Childless Women . At first I thought it might be too much a infertile/barren thing (which is fine, but not what I'm looking for) but after reading a few pages I saw things I could relate to. I wanted it to be not just about the pain of infertility/miscarriage/loss, but also about the rest- living without children. The poem "Apples and Oranges" by Lauri Rose was just what I was looking for to show me that the collection is worth looking into. This one I very well may buy. I'm not a lover of just any poetry collection, but this one seems to be one that may express things I feel but cannot quite put into words myself. (Speaking of poetry collections, my favorite of all time has to be Good Poems selected and introduced by Garrison Keiller.)

What to Say?

I have had 2 more interesting little conversations at a party recently. First, talking to a young mother (mother of a 21 month old, step-mother of 2 under the age of 6) I had just met, and 2 mothers I knew, we were discussing children and behavior and discipline. I contributed somewhat, but then said "Of course, I don't have children, so feel free to disregard that..." and the one I had just met said "Oh, you don't have children?" "No." "Do you want them?" "No, we don't." End of that! She smiled and said something along the lines of "Good for you." She obviously had no problem with it and I found this to be very nice, we were having a conversation, she didn't make any assumptions, she asked nicely... All good.

Later, same party- a slightly older couple (and by this I mean mid-forties to mid-fifties, so merely older than us, not OLD...) approached, we chatted. Third question out of her mouth to me "How many children do you have?" (she loses points already for making the assumption that we have kids...) "None." So she follows with "Oh! Newlyweds!" "No, we've been married nearly 10 years." "OH." (and here is where she got that compassionate gaze...) "Well, we had been married 9 years before we were able to have children, too. In fact, it was applying for adoption that finally got us relaxed enough to get pregnant with our own. The same day they called about processing our adoption application I found out I was pregnant with our first, and I was pregnant with our second four months after the first was born. So don't worry, it can happen!"

I said "We actually don't plan to have children." But she gave me that look- that look of disbelief and a little bit of disgust, and here is where I failed myself. . I backpeddled a little. "We did initially, and we did our share of trying and infertility treatments, but we've changed our minds now and don't plan to have children."

"Well," she said, "that is when it will happen, now that you're not trying so hard."

At which point I felt it necessary to share our contraceptive measures. Rather embarrassing for all involved.

Now, on her part, she made several errors: 1) she assumed we had kids. 2) then she assumed we were newlyweds, despite the fact that not long ago she was also married 9 years with no children. 3) she then assumed we were trying to have kids, and never bothered to ask... 4) she broke the cardinal rule of infertiles everywhere: she told me to relax. She credited the adoption application with her pregnancy (yeah, right, the paperwork knocked you up, your husband had nothing to do with it.) 5) she looked disgusted at our choice. 6) she still pushed the motherhood thing, which made me feel like explaining that we hadn't merely stopped testing for pregnancy every few days, but that we were actually doing all in our power to prevent any pregnancy.

But I made tactical errors as well. I should have simply said as soon as she launched into the "Oh, it will happen, don't give up..." thing "No, we don't plan to have children, we are a family of two and intend to stay that way." Or something like that. There is no need to defend my CF-ness with our past infertility, it shouldn't even have to come up. Sure, it is part of my past, and as such it will eventually come up with friends, something I can share eventually, but this woman has no need to have that information. If she thinks less of me because we don't plan to have children, and doesn't even wait to get to know me to decide what kind of person I am, then she doesn't deserve the extra info anyway!

So, my new plan is to answer questions simply and directly, offer no extra information until there is a relationship. It isn't my problem if they don't feel comfortable. If they ask "Do you have children" I will answer "No." or "No, we do not plan to have children."