Random things

Hmmm. Nothing much to say, just random thoughts.

I was flipping around and landed on 'A Wedding Story' just in time to see a bridesmaid/sister/??? (I don't know who because I hadn't been watching...) say to the bride "I'm so happy for you. Just don't have a baby before me." Wow, I really felt for her, I mean, she said it with a smile, but can you imagine what had been below the surface for her? I can relate to that, I remember having anxiety when people who got married after me would get that gleam in their eye. "No!!!!!",I wanted to scream, "Not! Before! Me!!!!"

Donna has graciously offered to co-found a club just for us and whomever we deem worthy! Yea! Of course, we live about as far apart from each other as possible and still be in the continential US... I graciously accept her offer, but wish very much that she lived around the corner. Then we could go to things together and roll our eyes at dumbasses or just skip it and go have a drink!

I am crocheting a cute little sweater for my soon-to-be-born niece. It is my first one (sweater, not niece), but so far it is looking just about adorable.


Do any of you without children ever get this kind of thing:
"You should just give me your mini-van since you don't have kids."
"You work at home, so I should just drop my kids at your house instead of paying for daycare."
"We should trade houses, you have all that room for just the 2 of you, and with the kids we're packed in like sardines."

I love my mini-van. I love my job. I love my house. And I work for them all. Just because you think that you could put it to better use doesn't mean that you should have mine.

Not Eligible for Membership

So, I forgot to mention that at the same P@ampered Chef P@rty, I found out that I am not eligible for a lot of the social functions with the girls I've been spending time with.

For example, some have been talking about a book club, and I have said twice now that if they have an opening that I would love to join. Well, they do have openings, but... It is only for the Mom's Club members, so I'm not eligible. Girls Night out? Well, technically it is Mom's Night out, an 'official' gathering. Sorry. Potluck dinners. Lunches. etc.

Truthfully, if I were a mom I am not sure that I would want to be in a Mom's Group- I've never been a joiner. But just knowing I can't be included... I guess I'm just not big on clubs- why make things official, why have members and non-members? Maybe it dates back to adolescence, and feeling left out or something. Maybe there are reasons that someone could share with me, argue on the side of membership? Well, OK, I guess I understand membership to Sam's Club- I pay money, I get to shop there. If you don't pay, you can't shop. So maybe Mom's Club is like that- you pay dues, they organize... something? Whatever. Truthfully, I'm happy to hear that there is reason for my not being invited to join in with these activities, at least it isn't just that they don't want me to participate.

And I have (as proof that I have matured by leaps and bounds since adolescence) talked to some of the girls that I like, pointing out that since I work from home, my schedule is flexible, I could use human contact, call me for lunch anytime. I say you know, since I am not a mom and I work at home, it is tough to meet people, so I'd love to get together for lunch. And they're picking up on it, calling me, getting me out. I used to would have never considered that because it shows some degree of need, something I've never been to good at admitting (maybe why my adolescence sucked), but I know that admitting I need friends and social support doesn't make me particularly needy, just human.

I'm going to be petty... and spiteful.

OK, so tonight I went to a P@mpered Chef party, and I had been to a party by the same 'kitchen consult@ant' before, and this is how our conversation went:

Her: "Hi! I'm Leigh!"
Me: "Hi, I'm Rooshie, we've actually met before, I was at your show last month at Kim's house."
Her: "Oh, that's right! Now, I can't remember, are your kids at School A or School B?"
Me: "Neither. I don't have kids."
Her: "YET, right!!!????!!!! HAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAAAA!"
Me: Blank stare.
Her: "Well, enjoy it while it lasts! hahahahahah!"
Me: "We're actually not having kids, so, yeah, guess we'll just enjoy it forever."
Her: "Well, you'll see what I mean when you have yours! Enjoy it while it lasts! Hahahahhhhaaaaa"
Me: Blank stare.
Her: (finally catching on...)"Oh. OH! oh..."

The whole thing just sucked. I didn't like getting (AGAIN) the whole questioning about my kids. I mean, asking 3 seconds into meeting or re-meeting someone if they have kids is bad enough, but jumping right in with the assumption that I do have kids really sucks, and it seems to happen about every other time that I meet someone. Secondly, the whole "yet" assumption. Is there really room in her mouth for both feet? Well, obviously there is, because she just kept on going.

So, my petty, spiteful, revenge, that she probably won't even register, is that I'm not going to order anything from her. Ha! Actually, I made a point of noting to her the things I'm interested in, but I'm going to order them through someone else. Ha. That will teach her to make assumptions. Or not. But it will give me a little tiny bit of satisfaction. Screw her.

changes in platitudes

I used to think that stupid things to be told were incredibly more abundant when you were TTC- maybe they still are, I can think of 2001 stupid things that have been said (Just Relax, Take Mine, Meant to Be, and all the variations.) for those TTC.

Well, there are also a multitude of stupid things to be told about not having children. Mainly "Oh, you'll change your mind." and (if you had tried in the past to have children) "Oh, well, now that you're not trying, that is when it will happen!"

And if I happen to say something like "Oh, that is the cutest outfit for a baby girl!" or "What a neat toy" or "He is precious! What a great Halloween costume." I get that knowing look and something along the lines of (usually in a sing-song voice)"Ahh, sounds like sooooomeooooone is haaaaaaving second thoooouuuughts....." or "I knew you weren't locked into this silly idea of not having children, you just needed a break from trying!"

So, when I was trying to get pregnant, if I said something about a cute baby or whatever, I got a knowing look and a pat on the hand and "Oh, honey, it will happen for you, too" or "All in God's time" or something like that. And I felt to some degree that I needed shut the hell up, because it made people a little uncomfortable sometimes, the statement was seldom taken at face value. But now, I sort of thought that I would be free to make these comments without the platitudes in return, but I still get them, just different ones with the same knowing looks.

I for one am going to try really hard to not ever again say anything prescribed, trite, contrived to people just because I can't come up with anything else. I'm just going to be open to whatever they want to tell me.

Oh!

I totally realized why I am not hoping for a 'surprise' pregnancy, especially while on the pill.

It isn't that it would mess up the plans we made since we stopped trying, we could get over that.

It is like this:

If you had a Rubik's Cube, and somehow tripped over it and solved it, well, that would be OK (in most cases)

Or if you had a Rubik's Cube, sat down to solve it and solved in an hours, that would be pretty awesome.

Or if you had a Rubik's Cube and tried for days, weeks, years to solve it, and eventually did, it took a while, but your hard work got you there- BRAVO!

But if you had a Rubik's Cube and tried for day, weeks, years to solve it and couldn't, and eventually put it away somewhere and decided to get on with life, but one day tripped over it, somehow turning it just so and viola! Solved. That, I think, would suck!

Who wants to know that their best efforts=crap, but tripping=sucess?

We Interrupt the Previously Scheduled Post...

Well, I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when.

My mom finally brought it up (again)-

She asked when I could go off the pill. "Anytime I want." I answered. "Well, then go off already." she retorted.

"I don't want to."
"Are you scared of going through the treatments again? I know it is hard, but I don't want you to miss out on being a mom because you are scared. I don't want you to miss out on the kind of joy we get from you and your brother and sister."
"That isn't it." (I also threw a joke in about all the joy I sucked from their lives when I was a miserable teenager, but it fell flat.)
"Well, it isn't the money..."
"No, it isn't the money. Really, a lack of money wouldn't stop us anyway, if we really wanted it we would find a way. And fear wouldn't stop us, the treatments/miscarriages/etc. were hard, but we didn't stop because it was hard..."
"Well, I just don't understand..."
"Mom, listen, this is very personal, but you need to know... I felt that I was being asked to take another path. You know I'm very private when it comes to my spiritual life/religious life, so just know that I felt that I was being led to a different path than the one we had been on. And since I've been on that new path, I've felt deep peace."
"Well, why didn't you just say so??? That I understand!"

97% of the time I really believe it, too, although I guess this "path" could just be due to inertia.

Just some stuff on my mind

1) The proposed "Unauthorized Reproduction Bill" in Indiana: Sad, anti-GLBT, unkind (just plain Not Nice- to anyone who may be forced to go through that process- like the populations that are going to be most impacted (GLBT, single parents, and infertiles) aren't already feeling a little beat up on. Like going through infertility treatments, miscarriages, etc, isn't demeaning enough, like being judged by 'faulty' biological parts isn't enough, now they should be judged officially, ask for permission to reproduce...), unfair (truly, it treats a group of people differently based on a medical problem, marital status, etc.). The whole thing makes me sick.

2) The show "Inconceivable" has been 'yanked' by NBC. No word on if it has been officially canceled, but it has been replaced with a Law and Order rerun for this coming week. I did watch the first episode, but I didn't really like it. It just wasn't good. I didn't think it was accurate, and I don't go for that kind of show, and it wasn't fun to see things I've experienced be distorted for entertainment... It was, IMO, meant to be entertainment, not a educational show, so I'll let them by to some degree. But, why show something unrealistic when you can just as easily do it justice and not harm the story? I don't think of it as a show that is meant to represent anything close to reality, just another fresh backdrop for Hollywood to present ever-stranger mini-melodramas. There is just nothing interesting to me about the sleeping around, the scandals, etc. It just isn't 'good tv' to me. At the same time, I do respect their right to produce anything they want, and if they can find viewers that do not agree with me, more power to them. It does bother me that they will be delivering misrepresentations of infertility/ART clinicians/etc., but since when has HW been interested in representing reality? That is, in some cases more than others, pretty unfortunate, but I think it is even more unfortunate that we Americans are so bloody ready to swallow anything that comes to us through our televisions. The show is fiction, it takes liberties with reality, it needs something edgeier, more scandalous, whatever, but what is really sad is that some people get their facts from Hollywood. Bottom line: I'm not going to miss it. I do wish there was better information out there about infertility, but it is unrealistic to think that HW is going to be providing it. Infertility certainly isn't the first topic to be mangled by HW. But since the show didn't seem to make a great impression, it doesn't seem that we're going to have to worry long about it spreading the wrong message... But, just in case it is just being revamped and you want to get your 2 cents in, INCIID is hosting a chat with the creator tonight.

Umm, not much else. I haven't had much to say lately. I'm just not feeling very conflicted, and I tend to only want to write when I feel conflicted. Some recent examples on my unconflicted state:

1) I realized today that I have been under new insurance for 2 months, and while the first thing I did was check to see if my BCP's were covered, it wasn't until this morning when I read the story on Indiana that it occurred to me to wonder what my new insurance carrier covers for infertility. I still don't know, I didn't wonder enough to actually go check.
2) My SIL is using a name that is eerily similar to a name I had planned to use for a daughter- so close that I do not think it would be cool for first cousins who live 4 miles from each other to have those names. Now, for the unconflicted part: not only does it not bother me, I didn't even realize it for over a week. I am just not thinking about my hypothetical children all that often (I am a terrible hypothetical mom.)
3) I gave away the very blanket that I crocheted with my own 2 hands for our actual child that never made it to the 2nd trimester. That's right- just handed it over to someone who has an actual baby. In the past I have given many crocheted blankets to new mothers, but I kept that one in a box in the closet. But I guess the time was right, because it didn't make me sad to see it or to hand it over.

I guess that is about it.

I started this blog to talk about the transition to childfree from infertile, and I guess I'll still talk about that some, but there isn't much meat left on the bone. Since we're not trying and not conflicted, it is sort of 'ho-hum...' But I think my next post will have to do with childfree-ness and how hard I find it to explain our childfree-ness. Right now I am much more conflicted about who I am in society as a CFer than I am about not having children.