Rambling

"Well, you didn't try all that hard to have children."

"Don't you want to give your husband a son, to carry on the family name?"

"It isn't too late, you could still try! You're only like what? 30? So you have another year or 2, right?" (Actually I'm 32. And aren't men sooo funny?)

"Wow, it must have been a huge relief for your husband that all of the problem was yours!"

Except for the first one, these things don't hurt, they just amuse. The first one is different because it came from my mom, who should a) know better and b) lay off already. I know she means well. When I finally got up the nerve to tell her that no, we would not be trying again after we got the green light from my oncologist, that in fact, we may never try again, that we were, in fact, happier than we had been in years, she had been surprisingly supportive. But that was months ago and I think she has had time to mull it over, and also to come up with a strategy. I think the strategy is:

1) Point out every baby we come within 100 yards of.
2) Point out that she 'knows' couples who tried longer and harder, suffered more, and eventually delivered and are now happily raising x number of beautiful perfect babies.
3) Point out that she 'knows' couples who tried longer and harder, suffered more, and are now happily in the midst of adopting, that the process is "smooth, fast, easy." Ha. As if. Or as if the fear of it being rough, slow and hard were what is keeping us from it.

She will not come right out and say "Please, I think you are making a terrible mistake, you just must have children." But I think that is where she is heading. I do understand her motives, or whatever, that she doesn't want me to regret or quit for the wrong reason. She is a wonderful mother, I wouldn't trade her for any other mother in the world, she is the greatest. She is just doing a version of what she did before we married (when she questioned our sanity, played devil's advocate to make sure we knew what we were doing...).

Well, we'll see how it plays out. So far I'm not getting into it with her, I'm just listening, smiling. Except for the "you didn't really try that hard" comment, I just had to beg to differ on that one (Who, after all, should get to decide what is 'hard'? Certainly not the mother of 3, miscarrier of none.). And the "adoption is sooo easy" remarks. Not that it isn't worth it when you choose it, but I doubt that "smooth, fast, easy" is how most would describe the adoption process. And that it isn't adoption we have ruled out, it is parenthood. (Good grief, I am such a wuss. I feel the need to add this qualifier: We reserve the right to change our minds and pursue parenthood in any manner we see fit at some future date.)

I guess I felt something of a pang when looking at all of those perfect, beautiful babies that my mother kept dragging me towards... I do love babies. And kids.

Someone asked me recently if I didn't like children. No, I said, I love them, love babies, love children. "Other peoples' children, though, right???" they said laughing. Well, since I don't have any, loving other peoples' children is pretty much the only option, isn't it? I do, though; I adore them.

My friend let me babysit her 7 month old the other day, and the sweet little guy feel asleep on my chest. It was one of the best feelings in the world! But it used to would have sent me into weeks of depression and longing. But this time I left feeling fulfilled. And asked if I could come back soon to get another 'fix'. I LOVE her son, he is precious, delightful. If I were ever to covet a baby, it would be him. But I don't, so I know I'm on the right path. At least for now.

Adventures in Fertile Land

As I mentioned in my last post, I am in a social group of very fertile women: I am the only woman without children, in fact the only woman with less than 2 children. There is one woman who works part time, the rest are SAHM's.

The first night, when I only knew one woman and then realized the statistics on the others, I had to fight an urge to run from the host's house and walk home in a thunderstorm rather than put myself through it another minute. But I stuck it out, and had a decent but uneasy night.

I wavered on bowing out from the group, but decided to stay. In a room of 15-20 women, I am bound to have something significant in common with each of them, right? So, I went back. It still is occasionally uneasy, but we do have stuff in common and the talk isn't all about kids all the time, we've branched out a little. I am more than willing to talk babies/kids/pregnancy/pre-school/etc some, if there is also some art/music/decorating/spouse/career/etc talk.

So, one of the women went to the same college I did, at the same time. We didn't know each other, but we talk about the city, professors, mutual friends. One has great taste in music and a raunchy sense of humor that I really dig. One lives down the street, has a wonderful, fun personality and a husband that would make the perfect basketball watching buddy for my husband.

It has totally been worth it. I do still wish we had some couple friends that are in our same situation, but I don't know how to find them. And what if we find them and aside from the no-kid thing (which could change...)we have nothing in common?

There are some comments that still get my attention, make me feel on the outs. Like when discussing something (housecleaning, cooking, being tired, whatever...) one girl always finds a way to say "Well, we're all mom's here, so we know what that is like!" There are so many of us that some don't remember that I don't have kids, so they ask how my kids are...

No one has actually asked me about our childlessness, and I guess we're all still a little new to each other for that, I don't know how I would react if I were asked in the middle of the big group to explain why we don't have children. But I can see them trying to put it all together, they wonder if I don't like children. They watch me interact with their kids, who are sometimes there at the start or end of an evening. One suggested that I adopt an older child, a way for me to have kids but 'avoid the baby stage'. One said "Oh! You must still be a newly-wed!" When I said no, we'd been together almost 10 years, she said "Oh! What's the holdup???" Nice people sometimes say the dumbest things.

I am certainly broadening my social group by being a part of all of this, and I'm seeing the reality of mothers - SAHM's especially - that debunks some of my idealized visions of what it would be like to be a mother. There are lots of differences between them, they are no more cookie cutter than anyone else. And they have a different set of issues to contend with. One confessed it was time for her to figure out what to do with her life, the kids are in school, she needs to go back to work, but her self-confidence has dropped, she doesn't know if she can still keep up. She doesn't even know what she wants to do. Others talk about frustration with husbands or time for themselves, etc.

I hope that they are maybe learning a little bit about people that they may meet without children by spending time with me, hopefully learning to not judge. I think eventually we'll all feel comfortable enough to discuss the whole issue.

This next part may piss some people off, but I think that it is only because I don't know how to express it. Hanging out with these women has shown me that mom or not we all have a life to live, and there is no golden ticket, despite what Britney's belly says. Being infertile certainly doesn't make things any easier. And I'm not saying that the women who get pregnant when they want don't have it easier in that aspect than women who can't. But there are sooo many other aspects. Comparing my life to someone else's just won't work, because regardless, this is the one I have. If I were a mom now, I would still have good days and bad days.

"I'm sooo fertile...."

So, who else saw Kelly R. this morning? She and her cute hubby were hosting R & K since Reg is on vacation, and the topic of Kelly's fertility came up. Again. Evidently their latest was conceived one night when the grandparents had the kids, and according to Kelly, they weren't even doing anything that would have normally resulted in a pregnancy (like having sex?), but she is SOOOO fertile that it was more like a glance from across a crowded room that got them in trouble. Obviously this isn't a real accurate transcript, no actual quotes, but she basically said they didn't have to do anything and *boom* - another pregnancy. Wow. That must suck for her.

When we were into like the 82nd year of TTC, one of my darling co-workers said "Oh, just call me Fertile Myrtle! I get knocked up at a glance." Now, by show of hands, who among us (I mean us 'infertile myrtles') has not heard this overused, tired little line at least once? How am I supposed to respond? You know, I don't care how I should respond, just please tell me how not to smack someone when they say it.

Now, this brings me to something a little closer to home. I hang out with a group of women, we get together monthly to socialize. It is still a sort of new thing, and I have wavered on whether I want to continue to participate. Right now I'm enjoying it mostly, and I NEED some sort of social life, so I think I'll keep going. But, do you remember that Sesame Street Song "One of these things is not like the others, One of these things just doesn't belong.." Well, that is my theme song for these get-togethers. Because every last one of them is a STAY AT HOME MOM. That's right, I'm the one that is not like the others... And some are still having trouble remembering that, since someone still asks each time "How many kids did you say you have?" Anyway, there are some interesting exchanges that I will cover in another post (Preview: "Want mine?", "What's wrong- do you just not like kids?"...) but this post is about the Super-Fertiles...

Last week we had 2 new pregnancies announced, which led to more talk of all things pregnancy related. Of the 15 women there (obviously not including me), none had trouble conceiving. One had had a miscarriage, but she had also had FOUR successful pregnancies. 4 Women had a combined total of 6 pregnancies while on the pill. I never brought up my sad little history, I just don't want to spend my little bit of social time recounting the failings of my reproductive system. But that is just CRAZY. Where have all the infertiles gone? And why are none of them in my neighborhood? And why am I surrounded by Fertile Myrtles?

I think what bothered me also was that I am on the pill. I like a plan, I don't love surprises. When I wanted kids, I wanted kids. Now that I'm CF, I want to be CF. What kind of cruel Higher Power or Twist of Fate would not let me have a child when I wanted one, but would allow me to get knocked up while on the pill? And after I have squandered the baby fund on expensive chocolates and cheap liquor and slutty clothes?

Of course, I am severely sub-fertile, so I doubt that the pill-pregnancies of a few super-fertiles mean anything to me. But maybe Kelly Ripa should think about using a few back-up methods.

The thing is, I pretty much like Kelly Ripa. Although I don't really know her, and only catch the show for a few minutes every couple of months, I don't dislike her. She seems cute, funny, high energy. I have no valid reason to dislike her, I don't think being fertile is a valid reason not to like someone (although I didn't really dig her talking about it this morning...) She makes fun of herself, I like that. And I like my friends who are fertile. It is just soooo weird how some women can be so fertile that they get pregnant during phone sex, and some women can't get pregnant or can't stay pregnant with a team of highly trained, highly paid specialists and a warehouse full of fertility drugs.

How to get my foot in your ass...

I refer to EHow.com for a number of things. I have in the past referred to it for 'How to Accessorize for a Formal Occasion' or something like that, when I had a high society wedding to attend.

I have referred to it for 'How to Polish Copper', 'How to Paint Walls', 'How to Repot Plants', stuff like that. I was just surfing around, found myself there, and clicked on the 'Family and Relationships Center' out of morbid curiosity. Could EHow be the magic bullet in fixing my relationship with my in-laws???

But I got sidetracked. And clicked on 'Building Your Family'. And then 'How to Get Pregnant'. OH MY GOD, THERE ARE DIRECTIONS? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THE EHOW KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING WRONG???

OK, so they do preface it with " For some, conceiving is as easy as pie; for others, it can be more of a challenge. " which ... well... frankly doesn't go far enough in my opinion. It follows with this sage advice:

1. Find a partner.

2. Dispense with birth control. If you've been taking the pill, most doctors advise you to wait at least three months before trying for a baby.

3. Have unprotected sex around the time you ovulate (which, for most women, is roughly in the middle of the cycle, or about 14 days before you expect your next period).

4. Repeat as needed.

5. Continue to repeat as needed

Honestly, I got a little chuckle out of this, it is so simplistic that it seems certain that it is meant to be taken as a tongue-in-check kind of thing. But then I read the EHow's User Tips: Every Day in the morning. Every other day. Schedule. Don't schedule. Chart. Don't Chart. You get the picture. 11 users posted their assvice on how to get pregnant, how they got pregnant, one boasting that she got pregnant the first month, implying that is all the proof you need that it will work for you.

Also amusing was 'How to Orchestrate the Perfect Conception' which included tips on planning so that delivery would be at a convenient time for the parents' work schedules and holiday time. Please, if you are one of those people who actually planned the conception/delivery around work and vacation and had everything fall into place just like you wanted, do not tell me about it. Surefire way to make me want to put my foot in your ass.

Whatever. Anyway, I'm just saying, this isn't cool for the infertile. Not that I think that EHow is where the majority of women are going for advice on conceiving. Hopefully. But, as an alumnus/dropout of Infertility University (IU), I will continue to get peeved whenever someone says "Just relax/chart/have more sex/have less sex/stand on your head..."

Something else that tends to piss me off is the whole 'meant to be' school of thought. I actually do believe that my life has unfolded in a way that seems to indicate planning at a higher level, I even, when pushed, would say that there seems to be some grand plan at work in my life, that the way things have happened, with the infertility and the cancer and the CF-ness, that I am on the right road, that Someone has gently steered me here and that I feel a peace because I am on the path I am supposed to be on. Corny? Sure. A copout? Maybe. But I feel good about it none-the-less. In essence, I feel like I've been given an indication of what is meant to be, at least for now, in MY life.

But what pisses me off, what will continue to piss me off, is when someone says "It was meant to be" or "It wasn't meant to be" or "God has a different plan" to someone else about that someone else's life.

So to those people, I say: It just isn't nice to go around telling people who are hurting that what it is they want so badly isn't meant to be, isn't what God wants for them, or whatever variation on that theme you hear coming out of your mouth. You think you are helping, but YOU ARE NOT. You are basically discounting their pain, discounting their desire, discounting their hard work. I just don't think that God has given you insight to what he wants for me, I think you are just at a complete loss of what else to say. And I say this not only about infertility, but jobs, education, relationships, whatever. And saying 'it will happen when it is meant to happen', well that translates to 'you are wasting time, energy and desire on something that you have no control over'.

Maybe you're right. Whatever. Why poke wounds? Just remember, it brings no comfort when you want something or are grieving that the universe isn't behind you. Bite your tongue. Saying nothing is better by far.